I think it’s been exactly a month now since i’ve been away from them. 5 years and it’s just gone like THAT. I mean before i get onto the main topic, it’s really been such a rough journey but i’ve been recovering a lot and i hope documenting my journey has helped anyone in their situation as well.
I’m not recapping because i feel like i’ve recapped so many times.. i was emotionally abused for 5 years by my bestfriend.. full story is on my blog somewhere.. whatever that’s not the main point of this blog.
All throughout our friendship we genuinely seemed like the same people. We were always into the same things, on the same page, we NEVER had a single disagreement. I mean looking back now it’s bad.. I don’t have a single part of myself to look back on because my whole personality was babying my bestfriend and sharing every possible interest and moment with them…
Which definitely made me insufferable to be around if you weren’t my bestfriend.. SERIOUSLY. All I could talk and care about was them or something related to them… yikeesss
Ever since I took the time to actually step back and live as myself, I realized: I don’t even know myself. After our first initial fall out, I had a lot of time to myself and finally allowed myself the chance to just.. look into different things. Embarrassing to admit now, but when we were friends, I was even terrified of being “too changed”. I didn’t want to change too much as a person and stress out my bestfriend and some how push them over the edge. Having this new freedom and less people to impress absolutely opened my mind…
Firstly. I got really into pop music. Seems pretty normal and uneventful to you.. but I generally never listened to it.. as you know listing to pop music as an alternative person is one of the ultimate sins.. (joking…) I revisited a lot of music I listened to as a kid and even went back to learn more about those artists and found out I really enjoy their stuff.
Emphasis on music i listened to as a kid. I’ve noticed that I’m very drawn to childish interests and behaviors… which is totally weird when i say it, but i’ve actually had a sad realization LOL. I was always an over serious kid, and by the time i became friends with my abuser, i was only 10-11 years old.. (sorry if that makes anyone feel old reading this) But basically what i’m saying is that: All my formative kid angsty teenage years that were supposed to be spent growing and developing myself, were dedicated to worshipping and protecting my very VERY mentally ill bestfriend….. Because of that I spent a lot of time feeling extremely behind and forcing myself to grow up enough to take care of them. Despite forcing myself to be so grown so quickly, i still felt behind. My abuser was heavily into things like drugs, sex, alcohol, etc.. and it took me until recently to find out that i was not a loser at 12-13 years old for not doing any of that.. It could’ve saved me so much self-hatred if someone just TOLD me this is not how normal tweens live..
backtracking. I have very childish interests.. They make me feel like a kid living those years seeing all the stuff i missed out on. I really like tween sitcoms like Icarly and Victorious.. and also spongebob. I LOVE spongebob LOL. I wish i could be friends with bob 😭😭 aside from that.
Aside from interests, i’ve finally been developing my social skills as well. For so many years the only person that has EVER mattered to me was my abuser.. even when they were miles away from me, nobody else could ever matter to me as long as I had them. Not to mention i was also terrified of making them jealous at all, i didn’t want them to think they weren’t number one to me. WHICH lead me to become desolate and delusional and have the social skills of a rock. Since being kicked out on my ass with only one friend to my name (my boyfriend..), it’s really given me the motivation to get out there and let myself be social. Of course there’s a lot of bad habits i have to unlearn and my social battery is very bad, but i’m doing way more than my past self could’ve done and that means a lot to me. actually i have a lot more to say about that another time… thats a blog for another time.
so far being completely cut off from my abuser has made me the happiest i’ve ever been in my life. Of course i’m still grieving pretty bad, but seriously i’m terrified for myself in another reality where i didn’t get out of it. I’ve learned so much about myself and realized that not everyone around me is here to get me and drain me for all the life in my body. I’ve really been so happy and even a lil heartbroken how nice people have been to me. I had no idea that people so kind and supportive were out there. also shout out to all the new friends i’ve made recently, yall are so kind 😭😭😭
okay thats my ramble thank you
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