first week at college

I don't want to be here. This is my next best option after my undergraduate institution shut down abruptly last spring, which was another college I didn't want to be at. It was small and familiar and very, very cloistered. I had a hard time feeling like I could get away. Now I'm at a huge state school with actual funding and resources and dining options (best campus food in mass nine years and counting) and I stick out like a sore thumb. Everyone here feels so put together compared to me. I try and remind myself of where I'm coming from, a last minute transfer still trying to figure out how this schools infrastructure actually works, but it doesn't make me feel like I'm not still falling behind. I'm trying to make the most of it.

Classes have been going well. It's hard to know what I'm actually supposed to be doing, I'm used to alternative education style soft guidelines and professors who email me before I even have to think about emailing them, but here we get two excused absences and a syllabus and have to figure out the rest ourselves. I've been trying to skew towards over prepared rather than under, but it makes me sad that I'm working harder than everyone else and still feel just as lost. I'm lucky that I love school.

I'm still trying to meet people. Everyone here already probably has a friend group, this is so different than freshman orientation where everyone felt like they had to stick together or be alone. Now I have to try and worm my way into people's minds. No wonder I feel like I'm playing catch up. I have no real time for art or reading or anything that isn't rewatching steven universe and pulling my hair out trying to get everything done on time.

I'm still looking on the bright side. I know I can do it, but right now I really don't want to. At least I'm rooming with my best friend who I already share everything with. I'm definitely not alone.