fml

i fucking hate how my life doesn't feel like mine. i hate that i can't make decisions or choices for myself. no matter how many times i tell my family i don't wanna go back to college because it's just not for me they tell me i still have to go anyways next year in january.

 they want me to make something of myself because apparently to them college is all i can do. they want me to follow their footsteps which i don't want to do. im also sick and tired of my grandma forcing down the bible and the bible lessons down my throat. i used to be fine with hearing it even if i didn't understand when i was younger but now i just don't want to hear it at all. what she said has scared me more than anything. 

it's hard to believe these things are true. i just don't know what to believe anymore. im still as lost as ever. i feel like im just gonna get more and more miserable with my life because nothing is going right. everything just keeps getting worse. why do i have to live this way? why can't i be my own person who decides how my life is gonna be? 

why do i just have to follow the same thing everyone else is doing just to make something of myself in this world?? im so fucking sick of it. you know even at my age i don't even feel like an adult all im doing is getting older and not knowing a damn thing. i feel like i have no time whatsoever because im behind.

 it's like im on an escalator and im not moving forward but everybody else and no matter how much i try to im still stuck. just when will my life ever be mines? i feel so fucking miserable i just want to laugh. i feel depressed. i feel angry and so frustrated. i don't know what to do. i don't think i even can get out of a situation like this.

i wish i was on hrt already but i have to do the waiting game. no way im gonna get that anytime soon. not without a job and money and plus no way i can get it while living with my parent. i don't know how long i can keep this up for honestly. im tired.