Forward

What am I still looking for? What is actually wrong? I can change already and be good but I won't. I have problems that have been debilitating and have made me unstable but now I have taken enough steps to at least move forward a single space. I have let the past year bring me down no matter how many hobbies I try to pick up, or friends I try to meet, or events I try to attend. It has always come back to the sadness of losing my job, losing my savings, of my recent diagnoses. I feel like I have failed, I screamed at my boss on the phone when I was terminated, and when I went back out to find a job I just embarrassed myself again because I couldn't remember the most basic food safety instructions, any of them. This all feels like an ultimate failure on my part, bipolar and epilepsy is another excuse now. I have a family and an amazing partner who have been helping me through this the whole way and I have only kept letting them down. I have even tried to get into cool computer stuff like Linux, bash, I am redesigning a simple 2000s/2010s frutiger aero desktop environment. That was all supposed to make me feel better, I was getting into a new interest that would make me want to pursue some job in the computer field some day or just go to school. Like I said though, I give up on these things. My internal dialogue is always beating me up telling me the most horrible stuff. It makes me stop what I am doing and I'll have to pause and tell it to stop out loud or distract myself. So then this is just another hobby/interest I am starting to pursue because a few other things I struggle with are communicating, listening, socializing, among all the other things necessary to make friends and progress in the world. I want to be happy being me. It just feels like I've learned nothing my whole life and now I provide nothing for my loved ones, and that is all I want to do at this point.