freshly broken up & dying inside; let's talk about it.

everyone is asking me if i need anything, of course i do, the world, a gun, you know- the usual.

im like totally emotionless but full of sadness at the same time ? no smiles even when i find something funny or cute. not even kittens helped ! unbelievable, i know.

the worst part ? we're still in contact and he told me he knows i can move on and find someone better.

and im like "uh no? lit all ive evr wanted was u since 1st laying eyes on u !"

so then he's all leading me on still telling me to eat and that he loves me.

even worse !! he told me to go see him every three days until i move on. like.. ew, no !

i love him so much im genuinely disgusted by his lack of.. well, anything right now.

i knew getting back together with a guy who ghosted me for a year and came back when i just started to move on + junkie 4 wtv he can get his hands on, wasn't one of my brightest moments..

look, don't judge ! 

im not the shiniest diamond in the box, okay? i never have been.

he ghosted me last year, and i was like whatever with it. i missed him but not enough to cry about it every night, you know? but this time im non-stop crying over him.

on the bright side, my lashes are gonna be so long after this.

oh, yeah, and this time im being threatened ! 

"oh but by who? that's so immature"

yeah.. his friends and his friends cousins.

even i know life goes on no matter who breaks your heart, and besides, it's not like he is completely innocent either. i got jealous he was with other girls at night and he left me on opened so i got sad and he ignored my emotions- like always. 

i wasn't even breaking up with him either, i gave him his hoodie back because it was reminding me of how nothing really ever lasts and i didn't want to keep thinking like that.

my birthday is next month and i was so excited to spend it with him this year, i didn't even want him to buy me anything. i have no friends due to rumors and partially (can admit) my own immaturities in the past. so.. i know this birthday will be the loneliest of them all.

and look, i know im young and have 'so much to live for' or whatever, but i realistically don't.

i can't feel this way forever, and im not sure how long this feeling will last.

all i know is it's the worst pain i have ever experienced. no exaggeration.

all i really do is sleep, i literally can't eat or i feel it being forced down, can't get up even to go to the bathroom which also means i can't care for myself or wash myself. gross reality i fear.

if anyone else has felt this way, or currently is, we're going through it together.

as strangers, who will stick by your side better than anyone you've known for years.