FriendRewind/SpaceHey Celebrity Death Match

I like both. I've basically mirrored my profile on both. I get it though. Some people like to keep the social media to a minimum. I just recently removed Instagram from my phone. And that has been it's own personal battle not to log in every 12 seconds. I make up excuses, like I need this exact photo from 2013 for my Substack (more social media) post. Although, Substack is like Pinterest's flaunt-er sister. Honestly. It's not that toxic. Plus, Instagram and I have a beef. Well, really, Nick and I have a beef. He won't beef properly, because his childhood trauma or something prevents him from doing so. Or what I'm most scared to admit, he just never really thought about me much at all. I was there. I actually put myself right there too. 

It's funny, I'll look back, and I'll think...man, I really had to move mountains just for the guy to say I miss you too. If that wasn't obvious take it or leave it energy, I'm not sure what else could of been more obvious? I guess, Andy figuring himself out really popped the heart shaped balloon in my chest. I was ready to feel pain. And most of my pain does exist in Indiana. So, it only made sense to dip my toes back in. Nick was the nicest. But he is still Indiana. Indifferent, closed off, apathetic, Indiana. 

Well. Since those two fires are officially squashed. It's been very easy to remember why I've been with David for almost a decade. We are still separated. And I have to think too, I was a lot kinder to this world than Nick ever was. I didn't marry David and reproduce. Although, in my mind that's totally back on the table. Not so much to keep David, David will stay for eternity. Which is also like top three of what I like best about him. But because I am so tired of carrying this immense weight when I go into work every other day. (I'm an artist to my core, it must be every other day, plus, what's left of middle class privilege.) 

I want to be a mom. By any means necessary. That's why Andy was always a no-go from the start. We even cried about it at L's house via phone call; via during L's nap. Maybe, David's right about this new group of people I am hanging out with. We're all just cosplaying as our twenties. Well, their twenties, my twenties were very Girl Interrupted but no book to show for it. David knows about the cheating. David knows about Andy from Andy's phone calls and Nick from my very accessible art journal/diary. And I am very much tired of everyone, Andy starting it all, claiming my entire existence with David as abuse. Yeah, things sucked for years. But there is a level of dedication and understanding that David and I have for each other that isn't easily replicated outside of the fucking movies. He's the wife I always wanted. I am only sexual to be loved. I know that. I didn't want to know that about myself for years on top of years. But now I fucking know. And I think it helped immediately repeating this teenage pattern at thirty-two with someone else once immediately released out the gate. 

Plus, if this has done anything. The Nick and Andy twister of 2025-2026, it's that David and I want the same fucking things and now we're working towards careers to get those things. Now going to museums and spending hundreds at art fairs will finally start to make more sense for us as a couple. ♥