Friends, Camp

It's been far too long! How have you all been? I've been really busy being dead. 

3 days ago, I attended a camp with my family and 2 others. They're cousins of my childhood friend, A. It was surprisingly more peaceful than I had previously inspected it to be. A's brother often hectors A to the point of tears, but I suppose, that being in the presence of nature itself calms everyone down. It's a good refresh, for all of us, and for this generation, whose attention has been garbled and chewed up by the Internet. Yes, that's what terrifies me the most. Succumbing to the digital world and losing my competency... not to mention, how I've been getting angry lately. This trip has been conducive to my well-being, especially since school has robbed me of a social life and other priorities/passions I wanted to attend to... It usurps, destroys, and throws a tantrum the moment I am in its presence... simultaneously, it is also my patron, keeping my mind disciplined and curious.

We started off by setting our tents at night. I was mesmerized by the cobweb of constellations hung above me(But what is a sky without a moon?! Stars still suffice, anyway...). When it comes to dark purplish skies illuminated by the distant stars, I transform into that of a deer(What a trite comparison ;-;). Eventually, I would be dragged off by my mother as she led me towards the camp. Our reservation was brightened as my father installed something similar to a lamp post, and every child began socializing right off of the bat. 

A's Cousins

A's cousins are outrageously adorable. About 4, 5 girls, no later than 11 and no earlier than 5. But their height remained consistent... They all seemed to reach my hip. C, the eldest, with long, wavy, and slightly unkempt hair and glasses resembles my younger self. I note how she holds a voracious passion for figurative language, true crime, and horror. Much like myself at her age... it's nice, having her ramble to me about interests that I still like to indulge in, we're able to toss such topics back and forth to each other without having to worry about the sanctity of innocence... yet, I should remain careful. 

Now, the mere sight of K will make you want to pinch her face. What a dear she is! Straight and silky brown hair with symmetrical bangs that whisp around her forehead accompanied by the softest yet widest eyes known to mankind. She's the living epitome of happiness. Flexible, easily pleased and obedient; everyone loves K. Not even A's pugnacious brother has the guts to be mean to her. 

I believe I forgot the other girls' name. There's a darker skinned, thicker and wavier haired girl. African, I believe? She gets along with C because they both enjoy discussing character analysis and their own idiolects to each other. Though, when it comes to discussions that require more focus and seriousness, she becomes impatient, more in tuned to fast paced and light conversations/activities. I can't blame her, even if it was a little irritating, having her constantly interrupt our scary campfire stories for a semblance of entertainment... but oh, who could stay mad at her? They're still young and, none of their behaviors perturb me. 

For majority of our time spent outside, she was intensely focused on playing DDLC. I believe she was at the part where she was talking to Monika.

The last one has short, braided hair and is the youngest out of all of us. I regret being unintentionally, occasionally exclusive towards her. She's more reticent and sensitive to her environment, so perhaps, I decided, that she needed time. Poor girl, I think I just ended up being the least attentive! She hadn't engaged much, but I really should've had brought her in. 

A's Brother

I used to hold a stronger bond with him, but my affinity has started to burn out as he transformed into someone emotionally immature, rough, and egocentric. I think he likes to appeal to older kids, which he does so by belittling those around them. Even if it means shoving and tormenting the other girls. I think that's what I don't hold tolerance for, so I usually become more assertive with him. He tries to jab at me by calling me sensitive, but when the other adults arrive, at least he learns when to quit.

A sore loser and a whiner... I do remember, during ping pong and badminton, he threw the racket at his opponents when he loses, and doesn't enjoy being teased about him (despite him doing the same). Any activity that requires bonding or being active in the slightest puts him in a bratty state. Pushes himself out of family pictures and does anything to avoid chores given by his mother. I think kids his age go through this phase of being insufferably rebellious, but, given his stubbornness and growing immorality, cultivating such behaviors is extremely dangerous! 

His bellicosity has transformed into something more malignant... and, frankly, I feel the need to reason with him out of it. He's still got a semblance of respect despite all of that aggression and ego, I just want to make sure it's not too late for me to fix things. Perhaps you'll ask, why not leave the parents to do so? Well, frankly, their reasoning bothers me. No matter the situation, it's both of their faults. No matter how intense the violence is, that's just what siblings are, and that's just what love is. To them, the best decision is leaving them unattended as their hatred for each other borders on the point of violence, perhaps even death. (A threw a knife at her brother once. Goodness!)

A

A is my childhood friend since we were 5. We met at a swimming class, and both of our energies danced and merged with each other... we're inseparable ever since. I must say, her personality is getting harder and harder to analyze, as I know that she buries a lot of her authenticity inside. Repressed ideals and anger, I'm trying to look for who she really is and how she really thinks. She tends to retreat into her mind when threatened by external forces... and it's funny, since all of her, all of who she is and what she likes is a manifestation of my past self. It's very surreal, there's only a few people that have been able to represent different stages of myself. 

From what I last observe, time doesn't seem to affect her like it does for others... or at least, what it had done to me. Who I am fluctuates overtime. Who I am differs and changes after a few months. I'm a different person each year. However, as we begun to grow up with each other, I noticed that she was different. It was synonymous to watching a barely nurtured flower trying to persist in summer's rage. 

Perhaps it's because she's very comfort indulgent. She's scared of discipline and facing her problems, often depending on others to do it for her or for life to somehow fix this intriguing rigidity that she possesses. Yes, that has to be the reason. If you never face life's challenges, you'll stay the same, forever.

In a way, I empathize and sympathize with her. To be a perfectionist like she is, fearing mistakes and humiliation, all you'd want to do is hide yourself, to blame yourself because you could never be as competent as others, so you believe that you never will. I like to break her out of that mindset in small ways. Whenever I catch her entertaining her miserable comparisons or when she begins to doubt herself to the point of incessant self criticism, I like to remind her that it's okay to make mistakes, and that as long as she's living, she always has the ability to change. Sometimes it takes a bit of pushing to let her accept it, since she is a hoarder of 'what ifs' and 'i can't do it'. But it's worth it, seeing her become more open to opportunities and challenges. It makes me happy. 

---------

Some of the memorable moments in the camp was when me and the girls went on a hike around the camp. Despite the limited space we were allowed to explore, I decided to make the trip more stimulating by letting them become curious and attentive to the environment. I assigned jobs for each person. C would hold and share turns when using binoculars, K would be the one identifying the birds that drift along the tranquil streams, and the other 2 would learn how to identify where they are using a map. A and I were leaders who guided them throughout the camp as I provided a few facts about the area around us. Trees, grass, certain berries... well, honestly, some of the girls were better at identifying poisonous and non poisonous berries than me. 

Unfortunately, there wasn't much to see when it came to spotting birds. Or rather, the diversity was scarce. We only got to identify some female Mallards and a group of Canadian geese migrating above the waters. But the sight of another species is enough to excite the average individual... so to these girls, it was like viewing an archaic relic at a historic museum. Thick trees acted as skyscrapers, branches exploding with shade as they cascaded along the grass. I had them interact with nature, talking to them about the braided wood and how it felt like wafers against their fingers. 

We also dipped half of our bodies in that same lake! The water was cold, really, this time I know how it feels when others say that it pierces into your skin. After a few screeches and squeals, my body began to adjust to the temperature. And eventually I began to grow bolder, fighting against the current as I moved myself towards a few giant rocks that rose just above the water. A followed after, and we were just content to playing and slapping the rushing streams. A's brother pushed through the water just to hand his father a frozen water bottle, before rushing towards the shore, his feet aching for warmth. 

When all of us decided that we had our fun, we dried ourselves under the sun, a picnic blanket sprawled below us as we snacked on a few potato chips(this was also the first time I learned that Spiderman Takis exist). We talked about games and shared some stories about our friends. I wasn't attending, I was solely focus on the wholesomeness of the moment. In the morning, I felt an unfamiliar burst of energy, in which I pestered A to play badminton with me. Which resulted in a very bent and out of shape racket. Because she was inexperienced with the sport, and with her intense animosity towards mistakes, a few miscalculated servings prompted her to hurl the racket, barely missing me as it rolled behind me and drove straight inside of their tent! I was frozen for a few minutes as she ran off. 

I pacified her with a few pep talks, and then distracted her by watching some videos on Youtube to keep her mind off of the incident(...we both like the Verity series. ;_;), and that seemed to keep her in a happier mood for once!

I slept good after the sun came to its' eventual descent, since we all warmed ourselves near the fire, melted and roasted some marshmallows and created comforting smores before we entered the land of dreams! There was this older boy, C, who kept setting the marshmellows on fire until they were essentially charcoal on a stick. He had the audacity to eat a piece of it, before continuing to burn the tong until the tips glowed a bright orange(This is a reminder to anyone close to him... do not leave him alone with matches!!)

What a fun trip it was... and it's getting quite late as I'm typing this. I have school tomorrow... and I know that, if I finish this now, I won't discard this as another unfinished, abandoned project that I refuse to return to! 

-----

Poem of the Day

We stand in the rain in a long line
waiting at Ford Highland Park. For work.
You know what work is—if you’re
old enough to read this you know what
work is, although you may not do it.
Forget you. This is about waiting,
shifting from one foot to another.
Feeling the light rain falling like mist
into your hair, blurring your vision
until you think you see your own brother
ahead of you, maybe ten places.
You rub your glasses with your fingers,
and of course it’s someone else’s brother,
narrower across the shoulders than
yours but with the same sad slouch, the grin
that does not hide the stubbornness,
the sad refusal to give in to
rain, to the hours of wasted waiting,
to the knowledge that somewhere ahead
a man is waiting who will say, “No,
we’re not hiring today,” for any
reason he wants. You love your brother,
now suddenly you can hardly stand
the love flooding you for your brother,
who’s not beside you or behind or
ahead because he’s home trying to   
sleep off a miserable night shift
at Cadillac so he can get up
before noon to study his German.
Works eight hours a night so he can sing
Wagner, the opera you hate most,
the worst music ever invented.
How long has it been since you told him
you loved him, held his wide shoulders,
opened your eyes wide and said those words,
and maybe kissed his cheek? You’ve never
done something so simple, so obvious,
not because you’re too young or too dumb,
not because you’re jealous or even mean
or incapable of crying in
the presence of another man, no,   
just because you don’t know what work is

What Work Is - Phillip Levine

Misc. Monologues, Thought of the day...

It's times like these, where, sometimes I like to be aware of the world, aware of the temporal state of youth and fun... well, I also tell myself, it won't do any good, thinking like an old person. I'm not there yet. But I also tell myself, that this is another way to breathe and understand the peace I have left on this Earth.

Indeed, I am an apocalyptist. Sometimes I think I should be more scared of my beliefs. It's one of these typical cases, where, despite my cynicism, I'll always be able to find a way to enjoy it. Nothing good will happen to me when I enter adulthood, or, at least when I procure a job. But i'll be satisfied, knowing I got where I want to in life... or at least, being happy that I hadn't wasted my years on trivial things when the world still maintained peace for a few millions, thousands. Just smile and laugh, I like to tell myself. Nothing is this serious, so just have fun. At least for now... I'll be wanting to laugh a lot. 

Well, enough of that. I've found closure by being partially optimistic. I define life, and I can survive if I choose to!