fuck fuck fuck what the hell

I just realised that the main way I interact with the world is seen as manipulation. hello. not in a big way but damn 

I don’t like people and I only interact with people for entertainment/social status.. it’s not that I hate people and act as if I love them it’s moreso that I am either neutral or am very slightly annoyed by people but talk to them anyways because it’s fun. I hide parts of myself from people I’m not sure about. I’m not 100% sure if I act nicer than I already am because, while I’m not exactly the happiest person you’ll ever meet I do try to be respectful to others. But apparently half of the shit I do is manipulation. 

Also I might have manipulated a situation earlier by making my friend’s sa’er leave the table by telling him it was just me and her sitting there. I understand it was kinda controlling but I’m not sitting next to that ew 

Also.. is this not the way everyone interacts with the world? I am neutral about people but talk to them anyways, I like to be in control of situations so I feel safe (probably due to trauma), I will pressure people to do things if I think it’s the best path for them. I’m trying to get my friend away from her sa’er by being mean to him, separating me/me&her from him, and by being a little forceful with it. But also, why do you even still hang out with him in the first place? If I’m the one who needs to take charge and get you away from him then I will. 

Even though I am an introvert and very shy I do like to take control of situations and sway them the way I think they should go because .. why wouldn’t I. I want to do the best thing possible for me and whoever else I’m concerned about. I WILL manipulate people if it means I’ll get what I want. Not in a way that’s too dangerous, I won’t threaten people or be physically aggressive, but if I — for example — want to stay in support then I will do things to make my teachers let me stay. 

This just strengthens the idea that I have conduct disorder to me .. if I didn’t experience guilt it would be an immediate diagnosis icl but I’ll look into it nevertheless. maybe I’m just the alpha guys