gender dysphoria and trans envy

so i don't rlly hear many people talk about this and maybe their scared to yk say it out loud because their scared they might get judged or something but i don't want to be scared to speak up about this in my own experience and ik not every trans person has dysphoria let me make that clear and that's perfectly okay. i suffer from gender dysphoria though as a trans man. ive been feeling this way a lot recently and i hate it. for me i just get so angry and i would be in these depressive episodes where i just don't want to even look at my body or think about it. i hate how i look and always end up comparing myself either to cis people or trans people. it's a bad habit i know sometimes i can't help myself and i know that comparison is the thief of joy and it is sometimes i would break down crying knowing that i don't have a male body or that im not built like these other guys that have a really good physique and don't get me wrong ik that i can exercise and build muscle and i have tried to do that as someone who's a skinny guy who can barely even put on weight. i mean i literally got creatine, protein powder, tried tracking all my calories in all the things i ate and exercised everyday at my house with the little dumbbells i have and bc i couldn't afford to the gym i made due with what i have. i even tracked my weight to see if i gained any pounds and i would end up losing all that weight and process the next day or so. it could've been due to stress mostly and because i feel depressed most of the time and feel unmotivated to even do anything. now i did build a little muscle but it still wasn't enough. i tried harder this time even when i didn't want to eat or drink those protein smoothies or shakes i made i would force myself to because i didn't want it to go to waste but it made me sick. i felt sick and just when i saw that i wasn't making any huge progress i gave up. i just couldn't do it. i tried and didn't make excuses but it just wasn't enough with the bulking. ive been to the gym once before but because of how crowded it was it made my anxiety skyrocket because i felt like everyone was looking at me and judging me the whole time. it was hard to get anything done because i knew i was new there and i didn't even know how to use the machines or equipment did everything wrong and made a fool out of myself basically. so it just sucks. maybe if i had the money to go the gym more maybe that would've made a difference or if i ate more. i don't know. i would like to start hrt one day and transition but there's no way i can do that right now unfortunately due to how transphobic and controlling my family is. everytime i see someone start hrt or get top or bottom surgery i can't help but feel so jealous of them like believe me im happy for them i really am but it pains me deep inside to know that im not there yet and that i don't have that. i get tired of people in the trans community especially trans women that i knew before telling me how i shouldn't want to have a dick or a flat chest. or other things about how im so dick-obsessed or how i should just love my body the way it is. like who are you to tell me that?? just because your comfortable with your body the way it is doesn't mean that i can't want that. and do you know how hard it is to love your body the way it is when you feel dysphoric as fuck?? im sorry but i just can't do that the way others do. i feel dysphoria strongly and get jealous over people who have what i want. it's what makes me human. i would rather have a boner every fucking day then deal with having a period and bleeding every goddamn month. i wish i never had this hell i don't even want kids and the fact that i can get pregnant scares me. im hoping that later on in the future if i don't kms that i can get a hysterectomy or something because fuck that. also ik its bad when even the masculine clothes i thought looked good on me makes me feel dysphoric and shitty. it doesn't matter what i wear from my closet my body my hips and curves and chest is the fucking problem. i hate how feminine i look. how small my hands and feet are, how short i am. i thought 5'6 was tall but im apparently the average height. im short as fuck and i wish i was taller. wish i was more built, wish i had yk a stache and a goatee and more of a built masculine body that im proud of. it's hard man. the jealousy and anger turns into resentment and hatred and it eats me up alive all the fucking time. i get so angry that i end up pushing people or my online friends away when it gets this bad like i hate when people have to see me like this. i end up hurting the people i care about by saying the wrong things and most of the time i can't even talk to my own trans community bc of how much guilt i feel just even talking about this. i have issue and insecurities that im aware of and i never mean to hurt anyone im always being pushed over the edge by my own family and eventually everything just boils over eventually that's kinda where im at right now so i apologize to my friends on here if im not as talkative right now i honestly kinda just been isolating myself from everyone so there's that yk but does anyone other trans guy relate to this?? i can never really bring myself to talk about this to anyone i just mostly keep it to myself but yeah to anyone reading this thanks for coming to my tedtalk.