getmeoutofhere!!!!!!!!!!!!

sometimes im not sure if i actually have a personality or just a series of symptoms of adhd.

pretty much every single issue i have in my life circles back to it. the more i learn about adhd the more i realise not one area of my life is untouched by this condition and its been that way my whole life and will remain for the rest of it. i never talk about it because i dont want to be labeled as someone who makes it their whole personality, but its hard not too when like my whole personality is literally built off of it. 

i hate how everyone views it as a disorder thats not that big of a deal. i feel like i have to use every single little ounce of effort to get the same results as someone who isnt trying at all. i hate feeling like i was born with a brain that works against me. like dude this is LITERALLY my own brain inside of my head how about lets work together??? for as long as i can remember i have felt like some weird alien. i feel like everyone on earth got an instruction manual on how to be a human and they just didn't give me one. 

my medication doesn't even really do much. like there are great things about it, it makes me happy and have more energy and talking to people is so much easier. i get overstimulated less and working is so much easier to manage. it does make executive dysfunction slightly easier to manage, but not by much. i also learnt that with woman and adhd, when you have your period your meds dont work as well/at all because of hormones and stuff. like wtf!!!! the chance of woman with adhd having pmdd is so much higher too. 

i have the biggest love hate relationship with my adhd. because as much as i hate it a lot, if i got the chance to get rid of it completely i dont know what i would do. 

hyperfixations are soooo fun but it feels awful when you can feel one coming to an end. i think sometimes i get hyperfixated on people though which is a really weird feeling and not as fun. 

idk.........

i am extremely grateful that i have parents who helped me get my diagnosis and medication, and im grateful how fast i was diagnosed because the process can take ages, i was very lucky. and i am proud of myself for eventually admitting that i needed help.  

onwards and upwards!!!!! 𖦹