Getting it right

Long rant/vent..

My girlfriend and I today went out with some online friends we’ve been friends with for the first time. Ate out then went to a target afterwards. Context for the next part, I have been staying at my gfs for 2 months or so, since home life has been hard. She recently had to go to a city about 2 hours away from her hometown, but 40 minutes from my hometown to do training for her job. Her job won’t allow anyone else in the hotel, so I’m staying at my friends to avoid home. Anyway, back to today. So while we were at target, I ended up dissociating most of the time. At one point felt sick to my stomach. It felt so weird to be in a completely different town and hanging out with people who weren’t my friends back at home. Doing things I’d do with my friends, but with completely different people. Not that I didn’t want to be with the people I was spending time with, but it felt too similar yet so entirely different. After saying good bye and leaving the parking lot, I felt the urge to burst into tears. When we got on the highway, shortly after I started crying and freaking out. Not only because what I had just felt was so weird and overwhelming, but because now my girlfriend has to drop me off back at my friends (who’s sleeping), so I’d be alone when I got there. She not thinking routed to my home, and I pointed it out. She asked me if I wanted her to drive me the rest of the way. My hometown to my friends is an extra 40 minutes. I felt horrible for already it being so late, so while sobbing I shortly told her to just drop me off at home. I wanted more time with her, but I knew she had to wake up early for training, and she’d be heading to bed at that time. I have had problems with feeling abandoned or not wanted from past relationships and such. So the closer I get to home, the more I push her efforts to comfort me and help. While in my driveway, I am still sobbing and pushing her away. I quickly say my goodbyes, wish her a safe trip back to the hotel and climb in my moms car. My mom takes me to my friends and talks to me about it some. I get there and text her I arrived at my friends safely. She arrived at her hotel shortly after safely, and I apologize for freaking out and not communicating with her. She tells me she wasn’t upset by any of that and understood. But she was upset that I invalidated her efforts to help and comfort me, that it was very hurtful to reassure me I was safe with her and could openly talk about my feelings and during the quick goodbye and her reassuring me, I told her she was lying about caring and lying that my feelings matter to her. Which had also hurt her a lot. It was hurtful to suggest she was lying, when we’ve been together for almost a year now and would not be dishonest. And it was entirely true. I felt like such an asshole that I didn't see the real reason she was upset. I had hurt her, even when I didn’t mean too. I don’t know why I always push her away and believe she doesn’t care or want me. I wish I could get it right. I want to try to work on letting go of the feeling that I need to push away love. I have been working on it. I always try to remind myself that there’s no reason I should work against her. She is the love of my life and I want to keep her by my side forever and always. She loves me and wants the same thing as me. To be together and always lift each other up. I will try to work alongside her and to not deny her care. She is the kindest soul I’ve ever come across. I don’t want to lose her..