getting through the breakup 😿

ohhhhkayyyyy.. 

before i start this blog, i want to say that this is gonna have sexual topics soooo just be aware of that of course. 

veryyyy very much tmi, but ion curr. 

like smut level tmi i can't lie.. sorry. 

honestly, it will be the topic of this blog.

mainly because i really need to get it all off my chest, and i can't irl. 

okay let's begin. 

so, this has been eating me alive for some time now, since he left me. 

he was my first time, and i was his. 

now, i have always been very afraid of intimacy, and he knew that. 

he would always try to get me to do stuff with him, but the most i would ever do was a bj. 

which i didn't mind necessarily, i wanted him to be happy of course. 

then came the day i finally decided i was ready. 

i felt very secure with him, and i had no doubt that he would stay with me for a long time. 

i felt that way because he would always talk about how much he didn't want to lose me, and once even cried in my arms about it. 

so.. we got undressed of course and i got very nervous. 

he reassured me that we didn't have to do it if i wasn't comfortable with it, that made me feel safe. 

so, of course, i did it. 

it was very awkward, but in a cute kind of way. 

we were both giggling a little as we decided what to do when we didn't like the first position. 

we decided to do missionary, but i was on the edge of the bed and he was standing. 

it was sweet, not really making love but not fucking. 

he said i love you during, and kissed me so so sweetly. 

i truthfully felt safe, and for my first time, it wasn't bad. 

he wanted me to be on top for a little, and then we went back to how we were before, but this time i was bent over the bed. 

i remember the way my legs were shaking like crazy, i could barely stand. 

not because he was big, no offense, but he is not at all. 

maybe 3in at best. 

im not sure why i was shaking so much. 

but, regardless, i love him, so i didn't care. 

plus, i still felt it enough. 

of course it wasn't perfect.. both of our first times, of course it'll be a little off. 

we had lana del rey playing in the background sooo it was better. 

anyways, immediately after, he went upstairs. 

like, he refused to finish. 

of course, not in me, but just in general he refused. 

so he left me on his bed, while he went upstairs to the bathroom. 

i can't lie, i cried. 

i felt stupid, and i regretted it a little bit as i began to fear him leaving and it getting out. 

and of course, that's exactly what happened. 

as soon as we broke up, he told people we had sex. 

i told him specifically that i didn't want that to get out, it was special, and between us. 

he told me he wouldn't say a word, he pinky promised. 

i've never taken pinky promises lightly. 

i cried about it a lot when we broke up, and i don't even know exactly what he's telling people, since i don't talk to people in my town. 

(they all suck, or hate me for something 'i did' in 7th grade.) 

anyways, fast forward to the other night. 

i was having alone time, like i do, and i started to feel in the mood. 

like any human, i decided to yk help myself. 

but, as i was, i started thinking about him. 

see, i used to specifically think of him when doing that while we were together. 

that is normal for manyyy people. 

i began to cry, like, really cry. 

i was so confused in myself, but i began to remember once more that we had indeed done stuff and he had told people. 

i ended up feeling gross about it, unfortunately. 

just everything. 

im not sure why still, but if anyone actually read this, thanks, and if you know, let me know !