hear me out
i can keep trying to pursue a master's degree. work 40 hours a week to not even make enough money to be able afford a tiny studio apartment, just so i can put myself back into school because i fucked around too much and lost my financial aid like 2 years ago. school, a place i have not thrived in since elementary, increasingly expensive, and will certainly land me in debt for the rest of my life (not that there's really any avoiding that since i'm already looking down the barrel of several bands in medical debt anyway, but still, not taking out student loans would help). for a master's degree which might be completely useless by the time i'm done earning it 5-6 years from now. and both for my dream job, the only one i can imagine doing for the rest of my life: a highly-politicized one i could immediately be fired from for my identity regardless of my qualifications and passion.Â
i can keep trying to move out. i can find another knight in shining armor partner to fall in love with, who might end up randomly leaving me out of nowhere after several years like the last one. everything i built outside of my parents' house could crumble around me in seconds flat, all over again. or i can try to save money myself, work more than 40 hours, work myself to death just to have a different place to sleep at night, but then what kind of life is that, is that really any better than dealing with *this*? i've overworked myself before, i know what burnout feels like. i don't know how i'd survive that again. and i'd have money for absolutely nothing else, i'd have to watch what i eat or maybe even go without some nights, and that's another thing i'd really rather not go through again
or. i could just. give up.
i could just let myself work part time, get back in school but no rush, take 1 class at a time and take an additional year or two. stay with the parents so i can afford to live and also buy myself nice treats every once in a while. accept that i'm not going to have the life other people who are less disabled and less traumatized have. i got dealt a shitty hand of cards and i don't function the way other people do, and so what? if i give up trying to be like everyone else, expecting more out of myself than i've proven i'm capable of, maybe i can finally start to become happy. focus on building something good out of what i've got already. i think a lot of people would look at that and think, wow this guy's a massive loser. and months ago i would've cared a lot about opinions like that. but now, yeah, i'm a loser. and i'm going to be happier than them. and happier than i was when i was more like them
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Venus.
i mean considering your situation plus the climate you're in, you're definitely not a loser. you're at a difficult crossroads and it's hard to weigh out the situations that have fallen into your hands. you strive for your personal goals and your glory, but you also want to "give up." i wouldn't consider it giving up. your situation is different, it doesn't make you lesser than others one bit. i don't know you like that, plus i'm a total stranger on the internet. you sound like you deserve an absolute break, exhausted as hell, like the majority. but in such a fast placed world that you've been put in, it's difficult to keep up. you deserve to take the time and take it slow. sure the cards that were placed in your hand were shit, but that doesn't mean you're out of the game, either. if i were you, let yourself have a bit of lavish, take a step back and re-evaluate. good things come with time whether grandiose or minuscule. either way, don't stop following what's true to your goals. sometimes though there has to be a redirection. you're not alone bro sandwich