God Forgive These Bones I'm Hiding from No One Successfully. - Ethel Cain, Jun 21, 2026

TRIGGER WARNING: SEXUAL CONTENT  

There's a line in Family Tree (Intro) that really speaks to me. Actually, there are several that do that I can talk about at a different time. "God, forgive these bones I'm hiding from no one successfully". I've written about a girl once before that I didn't have particularly nice things to say about. But I also said that she is finally gone after many years of suffering her... but to love her (me) is to suffer her (me). But lately, I've worried she's found her way back. Yes, the girl I'm talking about is Ellie. More specifically, she is a personality of her own, much less a whole person. She is me like Ethan is me. I talked to my therapist about her and although he doesn't want to label me with dissociative identity disorder, he said it could be a possibility, but we would work through Ellie even further before anything is set in stone.

I've joked in the past that I would bring her back just to torture my best friend, Amy, but I fear it's not a joke. Not that I would actually torture her with Ellie.

So, I was talking to my other best friend, Roosevelt, and I was telling him about a situation from not long ago. I went through a slight "obsession" with therapist to where I would fantasize about him. I would them feel tremendous guilt about it which lead to an OCD screening which I scored an 11 out of 12 for.

In the voice message I left Roosevelt, I talked about how he's straight and he has a wife. Then I said, "I wish he wasn't straight." and immediately backtracked and tried to blame Ellie in my head and that's when I had the realization that I blame Ellie for thoughts and feelings I have when I know what's at stake, or when I know what can be lost, so right now it's therapist and therapy because I've told myself that I will never receive therapy if therapist has to step away.

I'm having a hard time untangling Ellie's feelings from my own even though they are entirely both Ethan and Ellie's feelings because we are the same person. I tend to deflect onto Ellie because she represents the worst parts of myself. I'm not saying I'm in love with him; that is very much an Ellie thing, but maybe the idea of him. But that's where I get stumped because my fantasies never involved US (therapist and Ethan) but more so Ellie and therapist because there is that disconnect between us, and I would be just kind of watching which in theory makes me a cuck (lmfao).

Therapist said I need to delve into my past and I don't know what he means by that let alone how to do that. I know that sounds (to me) like an excuse not to do it, but I really don't know. All I know is that I need to give myself grace because this is going to be a lot.

Thank you for reading this kind of rant/vent.