got back together then broke up again 🤦‍♀️

ew i feel so stupid. 

let's start from the beginning, before he broke up with me. 

it was about two in the morning and we were on call like we typically were every night. 

he was on the game with his friends for a while but after that we got to talk. 

he told me he missed me, and wanted me to come over tomorrow, and that he loved me "soooo much".

it was sweet. we went to bed, but his phone died so i stayed sleeping alone for the night. 

the next morning i sent him a good morning text as usual, and a few hours later, around twelve, i got a good morning back.

sleeping in is veryyyy common for him, so i've never had an issue with late replies. 

now, i'm gonna give you some context to who we are as people throughout copying down the exact messages that were sent. just with privacy blurs of course. 

i asked 

" sleep okay? 

i rlly wanna see u today my loveee"

to which he replied 

"idk"

which i thought was strange because just last night he said he wanted to see me. 

"we haven't seen each other since tuesday so

u can come over or i can go to urs 👀"

he agreed to see me and so i said

"alright i love you" 

like i normally do to say goodbye. 

now, keep in mind that him and i had an age gap. two years to be exact. i am the older one, as a girl, and people thought that i was weird for it. it's okay when the guy is older but not the girl..? double standard i fear. plus, we are both minors and i would have never ever dated him if i was of age and he was not. ever. 

anyways, continuing.. 

he replied to my 'i love you' with

"why tho"

"? wdym"

"why do you like a _ year old"

i was caught completely off guard, because he'd never had an issue with it, and when i got upset at all the people being judgemental of it, he was always the one to make sure i know that it was okay. 

i replied with

"well it's only two years which is very common, more common than same age relationships."

(i, of course, looked that up) 

and i afterwards added

"why do you like a _ year old?" 

because it's pretty much the same thing just opposite. 

he replied with 

"idk do i"

"oh.

did i do something wrong?"

"you need a better boyfriend

yours is ass"

at this time he was getting back into substance abuse and his past addictions which i helped him overcome for about a month before this. 

so i began to panic. 

"no dude don't do this

genuinely don't do this rn

we can talk yk?"

"sure

what"

"? 

come over then"

i would rather have it be in person than over text of course.. 

"not rn"

"k when?"

"rn in text"

"no in person"

"nah in text"

so i didn't want to push too much, i just agreed. 

"lit everything was fine yesterday, what changed?

you just all of a sudden don't like me anymore? 

im sorry im genuinely confused."

"i just wanted you to eat"

i was struggling with an eating disorder at the time, i was only ever comfortable with telling him. that hurt bad. 

"so you rlly don't like me anymore?"

"no

im just tired of this"

"tired of what?"

"you"

his friend who is my age, had been trying to get between our relationship for a while, and he had never acted like this before just now so i asked

"okay is this (his friend) right now?"

his response was sending me a photo of himself, and a photo of his friend on the other side of the room immediately. 

he proceeded to say

"im tired of getting jumped for you

im tired of lying that im not dating you"

"what??? getting jumped???"

i had no idea whatsoever and i felt incredibly bad, especially since i don't know why anybody would ever do that. 

"and you don't even know"

"you never told me. 

im so sorry."

"im just tired of it"

"i understand."

"thx"

and just like that things were over. 

i waited for him to be ready a year and a half ago, actually around this exact time. 

but i waited every single day for him, and the day after we started talking again i broke down crying in his arms. he told me not being in contact with me for that long was the hardest thing he'd ever had to do, and that day we got back together, he said he never wanted to lose me ever again. 

now i know that it is for the better in the long run, with his addictions, emotional avoidance and trust issues clashing with my own completely trusting self who always wanted to talk about anything, and emotional as ever. it could've never worked. 

but we both truly wanted it to at one point. 

we used to speak of our future, knowing it likely would never happen. 

we believed it could then though. 

now i know that probably nobody will read this, but if you are, i'd love a real opinion. 

on myself, and the relationship with what you know now. 

am i a bad person for dating someone two years younger than me? 

should he have told me about the jumping? 

im so lost and i barely have friends to talk to about this.