Grief and Newfound Life

My grandparents got a new car today. They've been driving in my late uncle's car since he died, and while I didn't like the thought of getting rid of it years ago, I'm ok with it now. He died in 2017, so it's been almost a decade, but it's still hard to let go sometimes. I'll have days where I just get caught in this rabbit hole of grief, sometimes out of nowhere. I have more memories without him than I do with him, and some days it's like I just can't remember him at all.

The way he sounded and moved, even smelled. I think it was last year that my aunt had given us an old bottle of his cologne, and I just held it to my nose for a while. It was so familiar it ached. I was just a kid, and now that I'm older, I can't help but always wonder what things would have been like had he never had a heart attack or had survived. Would he have liked the newest Marvel projects? Would we have gone to see them together? Would I ever have gone to a concert with him? Asked him for advice? Who would I even be in this non-existent life? I've always wished I had made different choices, and maybe in that dream world, I did. Maybe he could have seen the person I always dreamed of becoming. Because I sure as hell have failed myself in this lifetime.

I have some of his clothes. After a while, they just became mine. And his car? It just became my grandparents'. It's still bittersweet to see it go, after so many memories in it. So many adventures going to concerts, listening to my Paw's CDs, and riding in the backseat while he and my Lala bickered. 

This is like entering a new era of life. I'm thinking of it that way at least. There may not be any more CDs in his new car to play, but nothing else there is really changing. I'll still ride with them and go with him to concerts, and I've started my own CD collection this year. 

I finally figured out what I wanted to do with my life, and I'm becoming determined to get myself there. It's taken so long, and I hate how severely I've stalled life, but I'm ready for the changes that I need.

Even though things are changing, and I'm willing to change, I know that grief will always stay with me. It comes and goes. That's just what grief does. With new experiences and perspectives comes the wonder of what could have been. It's gotten easier over time, but it still tends to remind me of everything I'm not and what he never could have become. At the same time, it also reminds me that he still impacts my life and may never truly die. His memory lives on, always. I still think of him during sad songs, and I can't help but make comparisons when I see a man with a salt-and-peppered beard, or feel what I do when I see the quote, "Not all those who wander are lost."

It's in those ways that I can't truly forget him, even if I've long since lost recollection of the past. I know that I'll continue thinking and trying to look back, but I'll also be thinking of the future and trying to make a path for myself.