grief is weird - heavy again, not rlly sorry this time

time is happening simultaneously; the past, present, future are all now, back then, and to come. sometimes this comforts me to know those who have passed on are still technically here, in some way. right now, my childhood friend and i are playing house, even though she committed 2 years ago. my tio is still at his comic shop, hanging out with customers all day. it is all back then but still now and somehow going to happen.

what does passing away really mean, anyway? we are made up of matter, matter is energy. energy cannot be created nor destroyed. so when we die, when we take our last breath, do we become one with everything? do we become engulfed by what is around us? or is heaven truly real? the pearly gates with clouds and harps...

i suppose we won't ever really know until we go. i often wonder if that is why my tio didn't come out of it; he saw what could be and chose that instead. who could blame him?