grudge

i'm never sure how to start these. there are so many thoughts racing in my head it feels wrong trying to put them into words, like they're not something that should be materialised. but if i let them fester, they'll only get worse, so i'll force it all out like a purge.

i can't hate forever.

some might say it's weak morals. that i'm too gullible, too forgiving. too nice. always too nice. always too giving, always too much. too much.

there's a part of me that, no matter how much someone hurts me, cannot hate forever. there's been a lot of people that have hurt me over the years and left a bitter feeling in the back of my throat. but it doesn't always bug me. this is a temporary rasp, fleeting heartburn. there's so many ways to hurt your throat. maybe the ac was on too long. the ice cream was too cold. a chip got stuck. there's been too much noise at the pub and in an effort to talk above the music, you had to speak louder for a good few hours. maybe the cigarette you thought you've managed to memorise the taste of caught your lungs off guard in a sharp inhale. and there's just as many ways for people to hurt you.

but in spite of all that, i don't want to never have ice cream again. i don't want to say no to a night out at the bar just because the music's disproportionally loud. i can take a little rasp if it means i can experience everything else.

and i can take a little hurt if it means there's a chance at a genuine human experience somewhere along the way.

there was definitely more i wanted to say here, but it's all gone from my mind now. 

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