Guilt

Please someone read this I  need someone, anyone to tell me I’m valid please bc my friends and therapist say I am but I rlly don’t believe it please help

Is it bad whenever I think abt my parents being very well off with money I feel so guilty that I lowk feel like I should off (if yk what I. Mean) bc why did I have to be the lucky one and there’s an ppl that deserve it more than me and I still am over dramatic and act like I have it so hard like I struggled and still struggle from  thoughts of unalive (idk how strict the system is at removing posts with certain words so apologies for the censorship) and everyday it feels like I have to try so hard to convince myself to be alive and that life is worth living. I shouldn’t get to feel that way tho bc I have a nice house, a lot of things, I don’t have to worry abt money (but for some reason I still have a LOT of anxiety abt money like I get so stressed spending like $5) I have thought abt it a lot and a lot of those thoughts come from me hating myself so much bc 1, the guilt of being so privileged, 2, I put a lot of pressure on myself to be perfect and it’s impossible to be perfect so I beat myself up abt not being perfect a lot, 3, ik my parents love me but often it doesn’t FEEL like it, ik it’s not true, but it feels like they put their business over my sisters and I (I talked to my therapist abt it and she said she has talked to my mom and she told me my parents always put us first it’s just hard to believe that sometimes) and 4, I hate myself for how I respond to my trauma, bc I rlly shouldn’t be overreacting. But my brain does so for some reason. It’s a never ending cycle. I haven’t been to therapy in a while bc my sister also has to go and with how angry and emotional and anxious my parents r I feel they would benefit from therapy GREATLY, I stopped asking to go bc it costs them a lot of money and for a while I blamed myself for why my sister couldn’t get therapy bc she tried asking mom (she rlly rlly needed it prolly more than I did) and mom was saying according to my sister that her problems didn’t require therapy and that it was rlly expensive so she didn’t get therapy therapy she needed for a while and I blamed myself bc I felt like I was draining all of my parents money due to me being overly sensitive. I still kinda think that. I remember I sh and a few days after, my mind was rlly loud and I was tweaking and I got in trouble and I tried to explain myself and dad said “what in your life is so hard? You have a nice house, nice things, a good family. What’s making your life so hard?” As I was breaking down with fresh scars on my arm. That will always stick with me and let me know that all my fears are true. No matter how hard life feels for me to even continue to live every single day while feeling as if it were some sort of chore I had to do, my life isn’t hard at all and I’m attention seeking, dramatic, overreacting, invalid. I’m so so scared that what I went through not even mentioning where online I accidentally got involved with a bunch of pedos who sexually harassed me everyday when I was 12 and a guy who tried to get with me as a 22 yr old man who knew I was 14 at the time, how I now have hypersexuality and I feel like a disgusting pervert, and I’m convinced that if something like that happened to me and I never thought it would who else is to say something worse couldn’t happen? I live every day knowing I’m gonna be 🍇ed (again Srry for the censorship) and idk when or where but I am terrified for that day. I’m being so dramatic tho bc as u just saw it goes from 0 to 100 rlly fast so yea. I just shared very deep personal stuff bc I crave validation or help so bad and rn I am on a very long roadtrip so I can’t talk to my therapist but believe me I tried.