he will feel my WRATH.

friend if ur reading this genuinely just don’t. Not trying to condone violent behaviour and ideation in any way as this is a pattern of thought I developed due to severe childhood trauma and shouldn’t be romanticised. ok 

anyways. ive had homicidal and violent thoughts all of my life due to familial abuse. those thoughts and impulses have gotten the better of me sometimes; Ive never beat someone but Ive been really rude/angry/generally toxic because of my impulses though I’m working on it because I don’t want to put my emotions and needs onto others. 

The impulses are getting stronger and I don’t really know why, I don’t really feel anything. I think I’m generally annoyed. Annoyed at my situation, at my past, at my family and my friends. My friend is friends with her sexual assaulter. I keep thinking about beating him. Maybe just a punch or a kick but Ive been fantasising about getting beat and beating others for days now and this is the strongest I’ve felt for a while now. I won’t say whether or not I’ll do it but if I do he’ll deserve it. I feel like a vampire, or an animal, with the need to feel the rip of flesh against its claws, to feel its teeth clamp down in full force. 

I don’t know how to get rid of these impulses and violent fantasies but I don’t really want to. I’ve been entertained by these thoughts for a long time and now that they’re back I don’t really want to get rid of them because of how interesting they are to me. I am very physically weak but he’s a fat bitch who couldn’t fight someone with real passion like myself so I’ll probably win. Hopefully it happens so I can get my revenge on everyone who’s violated me in the same way in the past. I do have some sympathy for him as he’s abused by his parents (I think) but my friend is my responsibility, NOT him. I don’t protect him, I protect HER. So I’ll get my revenge on everyone and protect my friend at the same time. God, I’m getting angry just thinking about my own violation. This is a very old part of myself that rarely comes out but it’s extremely familiar to me and therefore comforting. 

It would be funny. I think he knows I hate him and I think he’s slightly intimidated by me? Not trying to sound weird by saying that but people have said I’m a little scary in the past. He always leaves when I talk to my friend, probably because he’s heard me shit-talking him. Good. I hate him. It’ll be good to show that I’m the one who’s the real protector here. It’ll be good to show that I would never hurt someone like that, and to show that I can hurt far worse. I hope he tries to do something just so I get to strangle him. I’ll tolerate the contamination on my hands just to get to feel them wrap around the neck of my oppressor. i am so hungry for vengeance