Heart

Maybe, I'll think of a better title. But for now, it feels appropriate. It's Nick's favorite way to respond to my long prose about literally everything inside my gumball machine brain. It's even less than twenty-five cents to receive colorful spheres with hastily written essays of wants, desires, futures, and pain inside. I want to cry but it's not evening yet. There still might be hope for something out there to make me feel a little better about being inside this skin that David loves touching still. Foot rubs have become this sexual thing for him, I guess, he was more like Quentin Tarantino than either one of us thought. I need the closeness too. It's sad but incredibly true. And he's who's choosing me right now. 

I want to choose myself. I really do. I want to be the person that goes on dates and doesn't create falsehoods of toddlers and swimming pools. My job has not made it easy on me physiologically whatsoever. E was having so much fun in the pool with me, she gave me a kiss right on the mouth. I don't believe in kissing kids on the mouth. But hey, if cute babies wanna kiss me who am I to stop it? I love swimming too. It's also cool to get paid to swim even if it's not enough money to really conceptualize living on my own. I know it's on the to-do list inside the planner I haven't purchased for myself yet, though. More water adventures are ahead though, because the Young Hos and I are going to hang out on the Chicago River tomorrow. 

I want to start getting excited about it. But the falsehood of seeing Nick this week, on a Monday at that; still feels pretty fucking embarrassing. Just like me considering just staying with my ex, I'm sure it's crossed his mind. He certainly is busy focusing on more than his job and kids. I know that much. I guess my competition is a black guy at work. Which is fine. I would like a black boyfriend too. Or just a boyfriend. I would like to start over. Truly. But I know my heart and head are in shambles and the punishment for that is indefinite solitude, something that has been bringing me to tears lately... just thinking about living on my own for just a day or so inside my very own place for the very first time.