Homocidal ideation

Homocidal ideation is like being suicidal but you wanna kill other ppl instead, im gna sound rlly corny but ive had this for a bit more than a year now, and i really dont want to get rid of it. Every time i hold a weapon i get urges to hit people, stab people, even my own family, and sometimes i have to restrain myself because im so scared of actually doing it. I also think about killing daily, slashing meat and especially blood splatter is so aesthetically pleasing to me, which is part of the reason i do sh.

 Ive tried to talk to ppl but it never works, and i dont want it to go away, its part of me now, its part of my identity. My therapist told me that in the heat of the moment, i wouldnt be able to kill somebody, so i shouldnt be scared of it. I almost got mad at him when he said it, its like he was calling me weak, part of me wanted to prove him wrong.

Thinking about killing is so exciting to me, its much more exciting than sex tbh. And i want to say all this to my therapist but i dont wanna be put in some institution, i mean ive literally planned my killings in my head as if im going to do it.

Anyways thanks for listening to my corny ahh vent, byebye!!