Homocidal thoughts

Ive had homocidal thoughts for all of my life and suicidal thoughts for a while now. I think most people struggle with suicidal thoughts more, but due to my abuse and my genetics, i always thought more about getting out of problems by getting rid of the actual issue rather than myself. whenever my dad would argue with my mum I fantasised about killing him 

i think the reason I react this way is because im more genetically predisposed to antisocial/generally cluster b tendencies due to my dad who has npd like myself and an utter lack of care for the law. i think if I was predisposed to like…depression I wouldn’t have the same thoughts. 

i’ve hit my dad once and only once and ive fought people only twice (very short fights I didn’t get to do anything proper) but I WANT to get into a fight. I have for years. once i almost got into a fight with some random and for the rest of the night I thought about beating the shit out of her. 

obviously I understand I shouldnt think of that stuff and I don’t try and start fights or anything it’s just a want I have had since I was very young. I see a fair amount of people on social media and stuff who had reactions similar to this (being aggressive and verbally/physically attacking their parents back, at least thinking about it) so that’s comforting. ya. risky post but whatever