hoping & lying & me

this is something i didn't want to write about, but in my attempts to be honest with myself, and by an extension, you, i am. I really kind of hate myself for it, let me stop being vague and get to the point; i think things i probably shouldnt about the people around me

there's a certain role you play as a friend, im aware. theres an even more specific role you play as a homeboy, im gaining awareness. there's been times i've really wanted to overstep that role. there's this girl ive been friends with for literal years and i still, for some reason, have kind of a crush on her. She's pretty (to me, at least) and has a nice personality, and i've wanted to kind of ask her to be with me for maybe a few years now. Not the entire year, the thought just pops into my head and i have to attempt to push it away and entertain myself with something else. I can't ask, she'd probably say no, and i've never really asked someone one successfully in real life...like at all. I'd be ruining things for something i already know the answer too.

right now, she's talking to someone. im not going to ask her, i'd never ask her, i've been her regular friend for too long to change the relationship, and i really don't want you to think im playing some sort of long game, its genuinely like a reoccurring thought i genuinely dont want. Sometimes i'll do girlfriend/boyfriend stuff with her but its not the same since we're very long time friends. i feel...morally dubious. i feel like im lying to her, and like i need a way to get rid of whatever the hell im thinking so i don't feel tempted to ruin things. however, my feelings don't necessarily matter in the grand scheme of things, most of us are going to college anyway. Also, i dont have too much time to think, and then think again, in real life. im often just reacting. To continue a bit from an earlier entry, Can you tell? I try my best not to think with my "little head," as much as i hate that term. but its genuinely like...challenging? i sound like such a dickhead. no pun intended

All of my friends are girls, and they all look good. Like really good. I don't say anything out of the regular "yeah you look fine" when prompted to complement, or say the opposite when we're talking shit. And some of them i would never bother ever even trying anything i speak of here with. It's just like, sometimes i genuinely spend time contemplating the outcome of what would happen if i asked them anything, i dont know why, its genuinely such a waste of time. they'd say no.

i feel like i have this weirdly strong sense of hope that, oh, maybe i'd "beat the odds" or something adjacent, but i wont. I hate hate hate talking about sex here, i find it so embarrassing, but im probably going to be a virgin when im an adult, and probably some time PAST that point as well. I'm not mad about it, really. it's just like, not in the cards. I dont think anything i want or have wanted was in the cards, i think i just need to settle with what i was dealt, a shitty hand to begin with that ive been attempting to upgrade throughout the years. Sorry for speaking in analogies, i hope you understand. You probably do, what am i saying? This blog is built on lies, i used to feel really morally bad about lying, but i don't anymore, its just one more thing to keep up with, and little lies, like saying my friend banks with the same bank i bank with so i could take said friend to the bank i go to, aren't bad at all.

i related heavily to the girl that had feelings for me. Not that i had feelings for her (anymore) but that i saw myself in her position, and read her messages, and actively thought to myself, "what would i want in this situation?" I knew i was saying no, but i said it so we could still be friends after. She's been really talkative since then, probably because of that, or maybe its because now she can be a less recessed version of herself with me because she kind of automatically put herself in good standings with me because of her previous friendship standing and me saying that nothing would change because of it. Girls move on faster and more actively than guys, from what ive seen. at least from my perspective. She'll be on to someone taller, richer, etcetera-er than me in about a month, and ill be happy for her! seriously, id be happy she didnt settle for someone who runs a blog he hides from his friends because he's scared they'll find and read.

but even if that did happen, they probably wouldnt read it. Some of my friends on here are actually my friends in real life, and thats because i asked them to read the blog. but, be honest, if someone showed you their life, in pages, and asked you to read, you probably wouldnt want to read it. You've known them long enough to form an opinion of them in your head that you're aware a blog could change, and maybe you value the relationship with that person more than the blog their about the show you, and you don't read it out of respect for the both of you. Does that make sense? i don't know, Can you tell? I'm kind of glad, showing my friends definitely throws off the whole lonely narrative. I said that joke a while ago in a past blog as well. 

my dry humor spices up the blogs just enough so that they're not completely negative, i usually try utilizing sarcasm and contrast the most...I find them funny. most of these aren't funny, though. I think i deal with some sort of "ocd". I've been trying my best to be honest with you, but some things i can't write down. The "ocd" kind of affected my life significantly for a while, and then, when i would finally face my fears and have to admit to myself that I liked or didn't like x or y...it would be what I thought originally about myself when there wasn't any overthought and anxiety, and then it would go away. It'd come back, build up, then id finally go and check, and then id get dick all. Just writing about it is making me ruminate on it. it's like some stupid "but ARE YOU" being repeated. I actually don't enjoy it at all. I don't even want to look.

sometimes i want to ruin my friendships, sometimes i feel horrible for thinking it, and everything exists in some sort of loop. I don't really know why im like this...i kind of wish i did. I think ill get a therapist in the future, when i have money. I'm glad most of my arguments are in my head and not with people out loud. The irreverent personality fluke does wonders for my relationships, and it's nice to have people i don't have to uphold it around.