How it feels to be a little

So clear warning this is me talking about being a little, and how it feels for me withour a caregiver
Well for starters, i started doing it at the age of 13-14 but i didn't use it for real because how much i was judge and my onlines friends being uncomfortable or making fun of me.
Which lead me to the point of thinking i don't need it as most people use it so i bottle it up and never used it until my head was hurting or i was talking to someone closed
But without a caregiver, makes me feel sick and lonely and to be honest, i don't know what to do without a caregiver. I just feel lonely and unsafe which leads my head pounding and hurting so many times
I wish I could find the perfect caregiver, idc about the gender really i just want someone to be closed to me