hungry and thinking

i just had my nightly midnight snack and remembering things i missed out on. i literally declined a sleepover with someone because i was really embarrassed about my stomach loudly rumbling at night and needing snacks. that person was clove which my friends know i dont like anymore and for good reason, but i wonder if things would’ve turned out differently if i just sucked it up and said yes. she even said not to worry about it and said she would make sure i’d eat. maybe if i said yes, we could’ve sorted out why i was so mad at her. we could’ve sorted out why i felt like she was treating me as an object. i mean, i guess she didn’t see me as an object since she wanted to just have a regular sleepover… but what if it wasn’t just a normal sleepover? so much could’ve happened if i wasn’t so embarrassed about simply being hungry.

and now i think i will miss out on seeing turnover, nothing, and trauma ray live in atlanta. i can’t even drive yet and there’s no way i’d be okay with driving five hours to atlanta with less than a month of experience. i was thinking my dad could drive me or the whole family could go and see the extended family while we’re there (most of dad’s side of the family lives in or around there) but my sister won’t be on winter break by then and my mom wouldn’t like it if we went all the way to atlanta just for a “stupid concert.” i just know it already. fuck.

and then there’s hum in atlanta in march. don’t think i can go to that either for the same reasons as the turnover + nothing + trauma ray show, BUT i could drive there so maybe i could go, BUT i think exams fall on that date… and i think tickets will most definitely be sold out by the time i make up my mind. they’re selling out fast. hum is important. and then there’s DIIV and she’s green in atlanta in april, and i love those bands a lot. not more than nothing or hum, but it would still be really fun. i should see if i can go to that too. maybe i could just buy tickets and try to go, and then i’ll resell if i can’t go? sounds like a lot of work just to maybe go. fuck man, i’d have a license and know how to drive and have a job by now if it wasn’t for stupid adhd and daily flashbacks making it hard to just do my schoolwork. without all that bullshit i’d be unstoppable. i mean, not that i let it stop me in the first place, but it’s still so fucking annoying!!!

anyways, some cool stuff: i revived my old ipad and it surprisingly fine despite not getting updates anymore? i’m actually using it right now. i made a project in digital media class that had another twin peaks fan totally flip out in the discussion assignment thing and they said david lynch would be proud, i have more friends to play fortnite with, the beach house server had huge groups playing among us again just like 5 years ago!!! i figured out how to compress my photography to turn it into decals for roblox to put into my breadwinner world house as art on the wall, my room is starting to look a little more put-together, and i took all the videos i need to make the video about all my band shrines to post here. not sure when that’ll be edited and finished but i think it’ll be kinda cool.