I am getting worse everyday and i kinda need help

This is a stupid vent and I just need to talk abt what I've been like going thru, uhm like TW for mentions of suicide and s/h or whatever and uhm this whole thing is just kinda dumb and im contradicting myself every other sentence.

If ur like of my friends pls dont worry abt me

Anyways so like lately the idea if death has started to feel numb to me, I like used to not want to really die because im scared people will miss me but I just stopped caring, i try to say shit like "oh but (person)" will miss me or "you might meet flamingo tmmrw " or something but none of it actually affects how I feel, im constantly making myself sick from stress, my own friends fucking bully me, and I desperately need someone to notice im not okay but I dont exactly wanna worry my family, I dont know how far j even have to go to get someone to notice. And like I keep on saying shit online like I quit hurting myself which is such a fucking lie, I cant stay clean for over like a month, the funny part is the only reason im doing flit is to get someone to notice but i jyst dont want my mom or like my sister 2 see.  I need help probably and I dont want to ask for it, I know its dumb anf pathetic but like its true. And also like I feel like such a loser for reading like dumb fics about like whatever but like the only reason I even do is the fact that I just wanna be loved, yk? I know its unlikely, I cant see what someone else could see in me. And like I want to like die but I just kinda.. cant? I dunno maybe its just the fact that I need something to do that..? I really just dont know. And I think the whole reason I want to die is this like bitch called lala, I hate her so much but everytime I can I like suck up to her cuz its nice when she is nice to me, I know she hates me and like this is stupid and pathetic or whatever. This whole vent is just kinda attention seeking, which kind of is the point, or maybe i just wanna talk abt this i dunno. And like kind of every conversation I have is me repeating shit, i say the same stuff over and over, half of my actual friends are online which is just kinda sad ig. And if , or rather when I die during like my time on the internet I wanna be remembered, like make a fucking post about it or whatever. I mostly wanna see how lala would react knowing itd be her fault.  And its probably dumb to say that the only thing rlly keeping me alive is fucking flamingo. This whole thing is super dumb so like uhm im sorry dont worry abt me pls!!