I am.. painfully autistic.

I feel like every day I have multiple revelations about myself, and this is one of them. If I ever get diagnosed with autism, it won’t be level one or no described level at all; it’ll probably be level two. I guess I have a lot of internalised ableism, as well as having other potential disorders that I prefer to look into in reference to myself. But autism is one that’s been suspected since I was little. I’ll try to keep my symptoms of other disorders out of this post. 

I have a hard time reading other people’s expressions. It’s either that I can see every single emotion on someone’s face, or that they look like a buffering robot with no emotion showing other than a vague annoyance that is probably a projection of my own paranoia. I can’t control my tone and sometimes I’ll say things far harsher than I mean them to be, alongside having trouble with putting words together.  My hyperfixations are intense and sometimes stop me from doing schoolwork, usually becoming my whole identity and support system if they turn into a special interest. I also have a hard time understanding people over text; not knowing whether someone is being mean or not, accidentally over-explaining myself when someone made a joke, among other things. I also struggle with doing basic activities like brushing teeth, putting clothes away, cleaning my room, and working if I’m not in the mood for it. I vocal stim and stim normally often and I am.. THE. echolalia king. 

I’m also prone to meltdowns, though most of the symptoms I name here only happen if I’m already in a bad mental state; I often leave class if something’s gone wrong, and refuse to go back until it’s fixed. I’ll anger myself over and over again by doing something until I get angry and eventually throw whatever I’m using and huff and puff and lay on the floor. This, along with my severely quick mood swings, means that meltdowns can come extremely quickly and not lesve until 10-20 minutes later, usually with the help of seeing my special interest or something I enjoy. I’ll also pull out my hair, scratch my face, punch my thighs, and even repeatedly slam things into walls if I’m close to/already in a meltdown. Luckily I’ve never been in full meltdown in front of someone else, or at least I haven’t shown it, so people haven’t been shown these concerning behaviours. My misophonia, an irrational anger/fear response at certain noises, can also fast-track me into a meltdown.

That is all. goodbye