I am so goddamn pathetic

I don’t want to do stuff that stress me out, because I’m a a point in my life where I’m not in a good place to do stessful things. I wish people understood me, I wish people cared to understand me. I wish that I could be someone different, but I’m pathetic and I always will be. I have changed sure, but I still get upset, I’ll still get really sad, and not like just kind of. I get so sad or upset that I intentionally hurt myself in some way. I yell at myself, I make myself uncomfortable but it’s only feeling bad. . . It’s my fault I do these things, not anyone else, therefore any criticism to me is justified because I do bad pathetic things.

     How can you be pathetic. If you simply hurt others and don’t take responsibility for your actions and how they think they felt, then you’re pathetic. You need get on your knees and tell your beloved that they are a good person, that they aren’t passive aggressive, that they don’t do anything wrong. Because whatever they did that’s wrong doesn’t actually matter since you did something worse. When you beg for mercy, that your beloved will return a form of affection, you need to be gentle, don’t be too abrasive about your affection.

     She only does it because that’s the way she is, and it’s how the world has to function. People see through lenses of a victim more than the offense. I’m unfortunately the offense. And there is nothing I can do.

     I loved this girl, even though she probably forgot me (hopefully or not) I hope she doesn’t forget about the time we had together, before she left, but I don’t want the bad things of done to negatively affect her, or even her life.

     I shouldn’t talk about her as a goddess, or an angel. She is a person, that I glorify too much eith affection words, things that make her feel bad.

     We never truly dated each other, but we were good friends. I really hope the friendship meant a lot to her, even if it never turned out romantic.

     I don’t like what I did. And I try to make it seem like she is in the wrong so I can move on to another girl or something, but sadly whenever I hear another girls voice I hear her. I won’t ever be able to see any girl the same again, and I can’t really love anyone else, at least right now, the same as her.

     If I ever tried to apologize to her, she would be kind of aggressive in a sense. But that aggression probably came from some kind of disgust with what I  did to her rather than a compulsive disregard of my feelings. But the way it felt was more like being disregarded any opinion or feeling I had about the situation.

     I just think she was treating it more like a feud than an apology. I at least don’t think I was trying to start an argument, I was trying to tell her how it felt, not why it’s justified. What I did wasn’t justified, it was out of pure desire to know more about her.

     And I must say that the terrible things I done were in my control, they were just difficult to control because I made it a routine of obsessing over everything about her and looking her up on the internet. I don’t think that staking people is right, especially if it’s with a friend that trusts you.

     I don’t understand what exactly I am trying to say, I don’t think I was in the right about stalking her and I feel really bad about it. And she isn’t the primary reason I physically hurt myself, she is what I use against myself. She said that if I died, she wouldn’t care and would move on with her life. Well sometimes a think she was right, mabye I should just die and then it wouldn’t bother her, she would still think I’m pathetic. Being alive doesn’t factor in what she thinks of me, if I even died the day she told me this, and I send a video with a belt around my neck she wouldn’t care, she wouldn’t try to stop me, she would just let me die.

     What if I died that day. It wouldn’t be something anybody cares about. People know I have problems, they probably don’t think I’m gonna die soon, but this stress, and this feeling of of loneliness and everything else is pathetic, and it hurts my head so bad.

     Sometimes I made myself look creepy or strange. At least then it seemed like I had control of the situation, and it made me seem like more of an entertainer than a literal stalker. I know what I do is pathetic, and that being intentionally fucking weird isn’t something to be proud of. I didn’t act this way because I thought she would like it, it was simply fun to do. I thought I was in too deep to stop, that if I stopped being this way I would just be a normal stalker, and I didn’t want that, I didn’t want to be a stalker at all.

     When I realized what I was doing to her, I stopped talking to her, but to this day I still occasionally check her blogs. She makes really interesting stuff (well sometimes it is a little boring to me at least because I don’t know a lot of the fandoms I’m referencing)

     I know I’m pathetic but it’s not something that I feel like I control anymore, like I signed myself out from the site her blogs are on, but then I simply signed back in, if I delete and account I make another one and keep stalking her.

     There is nothing I can do so she can forgive me, I’ve already said and done way too much to her, and even making this blog is kind of rude but I still feel like I need to say something about it while being ad vague as possible so I don’t attract her or like reveal personal stuff. I think I’ve been pretty good about not revealing too much about the situation, I don’t know. Making this post is probably not that morally right but I don’t know I’m just being pathetic. And there is nothing I can do to stop it.