I don't care that much.

I feel like its the end of the world and I'm just waiting for the bomb to kill us. Just acceptance. I'll never be happy, and that's something people need to understand. I am and will always be alone and thats the sucky part. I dreamed as a kid, not waking up alone in a bed far to big for a girl like me. Or being in a white dress that isn't far too small for me. I'm a loser. And it sucks because that's all my friends see me as. I'm just as crazy as him (my rapist) I just accepted it. People were right, It was my fault. The whole school blames me. Do you know how much people laughed about my rape in their stupid pathetic stories? The cops don't even do anything at all because there so understaffed in the too small of a town I live in. But they will never care until its THEM who's getting raped. Until its THEM who is getting blamed for their abuse, until its THEM who is getting laughed in the face just because you dont look like how society wants you. I would be the most beautiful girl in the world if it wasn't for me fucking it up. I'm not any better than that school shooter. We have the same trauma, the same everything. Just different ways of responding to it. I just wish I can fit in. I tried, I really did. But when people scream at me in the hallways calling me a "pedophile defending." How am I supposed to react? Even worse I have a father who doesn't care about my mental health and only my grades. All I wanted was to be a writer. I never wanted this bullshit. I just wanted to write books. I wanted someone to be interested in them. I wanted someone to listen, but we never get what we want do we? Life is just a big ol party, its fun. But always ends. I must be sensible. If they hurt me, what other choice do I have? I know im right. After all what am I? A human?