'i dont have npd' says mr npd

for a few days now ive been having bad thoughts about not having anything wrong with me. not having npd or conduct disorder but instead just being a shitty little teenager who acts like an egotistical bitch for no reason. it's a terrifying thought, really, seeing how many bad and morally dubious things ive done just in my years of living and then thinking of the possibility of not having a reason. 

that is until i realise that half of the shit i do makes it blaringly obvious that i am, at the very least, developing npd. not only that, ive shown symptoms since my age was a single digit. 

i think of myself as grandiose. because i am, im very clearly better than all of the simpletons who i befriend and am accompanied by. i draw better, i talk better, im smarter, im just.. generally better than almost everyone else! but technically it IS a symptom of npd so i have to count it. if i think that people have betrayed me or like other people more than me ill insult them and make them feel bad on purpose. my brain, since it's hardwired to defend me and never let anyone emotionally/verbally abuse me again, will defend me. this is also why ive started talking to others for second opinions on things i say/do because my disorder does make me act out. if someone talks to someone before talking to me, if i know that someone favours another person, ill crash out too. i need to be favoured, i need to be the favourite of anyone i know. this is why ive been having so many problems with my current friend, she talks to other people instead of me and my supply has been low. very low. 

that's another thing. i do need a supply to keep my confidence up -- right now it's social media -- but if people glaze me too much i get annoyed. if my supply is low ill tell everyone to fuck off and generally be a whirlwind of negative emotions. 

 i honestly don't know if ive been through narcissistic collapse yet. i got close to it once and i felt genuinely dizzy after it, and had to spend multiple days reclaiming my confidence. i do think i have periods of ups and downs, where im either so confident i dont need anyone else, or so unconfident that im basically begging people to validate me. i think im close to it right now but social media has been keeping me happy and fairly regulated.

another symptom i have isnt a 'lack of empathy', but moreso a genuine misunderstanding of others emotions. i can feel empathy, i can feel bad for how ive hurt others, i can be killed by guilt. but i find that, a lot of the time, i simply just don't understand others emotions, or don't understand enough to care. a mediocre example of this would be when my ex, who had sensory problems just as i do, fully drenched their shoes and trousers in water. i understood that they were uncomfortable but aside from that i didn't care; it wasn't that i was making a conscious effort to not care and to keep them in their evil wet shoes but it was that i simply just.. didnt fully get it? i wanted to stay in the forest more and so i did and i laughed despite their discomfort because i simply didn't understand how they felt. 

i am planning to try and get a diagnosis soon but my mum is one of those 'evil narcissists!!!' people so idk how im going to. i might just go to cahms myself or something. just wanted to talk about my symptoms. also i just had the best buttered crackers on the planet. ok bye