i dont know honestly

ive recently broken up with my girlfriend. it all made me realize the fact that i never loved her romantically, if at all. im aroace now, but i used to think of myself as aroace & lesbian (i think that was just because i was desperate for a relationship) actually experiencing one though?? im good man. i dont want to go through that again. 

(this is going to be a long rant/explanation........... just a warning)

before we started dating, she made a mutual friend ask me if i just wanted to "talk" or actually date ?? wtf sort of question is that? "do you just want to be my talking stage or date" i feel as if i shouldve known based off of that, that maybe going into a relationship with someone who unironically calls people her situationship or talking stage would just give me strife. 

while in that limbo stage of confessing to one another and actually dating (which was MONTHS.) she legitimately started dating someone else. i really, really wish i was joking. like i really do. the way i found out was from that same mutual friend. (he's an idiot) he came up to me and asked who she was dating. i asked him "why would i know that?" and he replied with "because youre her best friend" stupid motherfucker god

even before this i suspected something because she was VERY VERY VERY obvious in the fact she was hiding something, like to the point she would whisper to her friends about something in front of me. okay.

eventually she messages me on one of our socials, (i wish i saved a screenshot of it, but it's lost forever now) basically telling me about the girl she was dating. she tried to preface it by saying that they were only giving gifts to each other but like okay? so what? and said, word for word, "i felt bad because i still kinda liked you" ?? what? how the fuck do you date someone else while still "kinda" liking someone? and told me that they got into a physical fight over me?? and that she DIDN'T FIGHT BACK? biggest blow to my ego in a while. 

another thing during this time (which was previous to that), me and her would use this sort of blog-site due to her parents, and once she posted something talking about getting back together with her ex?? who she had told me she had hated before this????????? ????????????????what?????????????????? i honestly read that and felt nothing but disappointment. i still dont know why i agreed to date her even after this, please dont ask.

oh also, she liked to be super wishy-washy in the information she gave me. she liked to talk about her exes, sort of, but then say shes never had any exes. she even has said that im the only person shes said "i love you" to that she has dated, then the next week she pretends like she never said that and that she doesnt have any exes ????? 

she also used to tell me "i couldve had anyone, but i chose you," and would deny situations where she had physically hurt me, using one situation where i had accidentally pushed her because she was cussing whilst i was attempting to speak to one of my family members on speaker. which i had always found weird. 

also her obsession over people i was jealous of, was pretty weird, too. 

she also used to tell me how i was the only reason she wasnt dead or in a mental health institution. i had forgotten her birthday, which caused her to text me (in spanish) how she cut herself, then unsend the message. 

 she would text me when high and become volatile and aggressive. she'd told me she wouldn't vape after that, come to the very 1st day of school and she's begging our mutual friend for someone selling them. 

she had also been ready to break up with me over the fact we hadn't had any classes together. 

she would text me asking if we were still together, even having her friends ask me during school, due to the fact i was being avoidant. (i dont understand why i didn't just tell her "no", but i mightve thought that was the incorrect option) 

and all of a sudden, she had begun to be online on discord, where she would reference my status when it would reference hating someone (it wasnt about her??). once she had put another person's initial in her bio and status with hearts, i finally realized that we had to probably not be together if she decided that was fine. so i blocked her on the socials we had together (which was one... there's a whole other thing about that) but only deleted her messages, because im an idiot. she texted me asking if we were still together and it was just like. ?????seriously????? youre asking me, after youve been talking about someone else in your bio and status?? fuuuckk offfff

i didn't even read the last things she sent me, i just blocked her and deleted the messages and have been relatively more positive since.

oh yeah once she pretended to break up with me to get back with her ex for april fools

idk is being avoidant worse thatn this? im bad at gauging how bad of a person i was in a situation