i dont know what to do with my life

(before you read, english isnt my first language so please excuse any mistakes. i decided to post this in english because i haven't found many accounts in spanish)

in march of 2025 i moved to the capital of my country. i come from a small town more in the center and always wanted to escape from here. living in a village is a nightmare when you're different, and i suffered from it a lot. i'm also a very introverted, shy, and i guess anxious by nature person so it's very much normal i feel like crawling into my skin every time i go to my hometown. i love my hometown, this place is magic and despite my feelings towards its people, i love visiting from time to time and enjoying the privacy i have since i'm home alone and getting to interact with my best friends.

and that's what i want to talk about. i miss my friends a lot :( in these almost two years i've lived in the city, i don't think i formed a pure and genuine friendship. i do have many friends, but i don't think they like me as much as i like them. i understand this may just be my insecurity and self-esteem problems talking. i'm not interested in being anyone's "bestie" or favorite friend because i get this is not how friendship works (especially when you're an adult...), but i would like to feel even an inch of interest coming from them, you know? i tend to be the one to talk to them first. i've opened the doors of my home for DAYS to one of them who has a conflictive situation with her family, despite not having my own room and having to use the "common areas" of my apartment. one of them is in a bad economic situation, and i paid for her food a few times. with my mom, we were about to gift her an old computer we have because she doesn't have one and needs it to finish school...

i don't view my actions as favors they have to pay back, because they're my friends, and i love them. i want and will continue to help them as much as i can, BECAUSE THEY'RE MY FRIENDS, but i guess i'm feeling a bit egoistic. i don't want them to do anything for me because i don't need it, but is it so hard to just text me if you know i'm not doing well... i stopped using social media and my last posts on twitter were about ending my life 〒▽〒 i feel really bad talking about this, i genuinely feel like i'm just being egoistic and throwing a tantrum like a little kid who wants attention :/ 

i started feeling like this like a month ago. i don't know where the thought came from or how it started but i'm feeling very depressed since then so i may be having a depressive episode lolz

since then, i've been questioning if moving was the right choice. i miss my hometown friends so much, and my relationship with them is a lot more healthy. i'm not sitting here questioning if they like me or not, they're living their lives far away, and i know they think about me. i'm still with them despite moving, they show their worry about me, we talk, play games, and do calls when we're free. they have their own friends, but everything is balanced, and i'm at peace with my relationship with all of them. why can't i feel the same with my new city friends...

i want to move back to my hometown, it's risky and probably a terrible decision, but i can't stop thinking about it. i can quit my career and go back to my old life, starting again in my small town. i can be an outsider in my own roots if it means i will stop feeling like an addition my city friends can add to their lives from time to time.

i don't know what to do. i understand that my friends are not the only reason i want to move back to my hometown, but i do feel like it's an important factor in this idea.

i started going to therapy very recently and didn't have the chance to talk about this with her yet, but i will obviously do it. even then i would like to get some feedback or opinions on the matter, maybe from someone who went through a similar situation. i don't know... i'm just terribly lost and need to talk about it. thank you for reading.