I don’t match up to my peers

I feel like I’m not worth much and dont have much going for me. My anxiety regarding scholarships has waned ever since knowing I basically just write whatever I want, but I’m also nervous knowing that I can literally write whatever I want regarding the prompt, but i need money for college, so i guess ill just get over it. some of my friends even started applying before me, which is embarrassing. 

I don’t think ill amount to much when being chosen for scholarships or being picked for college. I didn’t do many extracurriculars, just the basics for what I needed to graduate. My worst grade I ever got so far was a C in pre-calculus. Honestly i fucking hate every type of math ever and i havent really had a teacher who explained math of any kind in a way that involved terms I could understand. It’s always been dressed in terms that couldve been simplified and expanded upon, and being in classes with people who literally are only good at math makes me feel embarrassed for asking questions. I might as well just take the class and then teach myself everything because coming to school and feeling embarrassed and like an idiot everyday makes me want to die. in minecraft.

i’ve written more here than i have for scholarships…actually, friendrewind is the only place i tell how i truly feel about anything, including myself. it’s embarrassing to say your only true place to express and explain how you feel is a website most people go on to post pictures of themselves hanging out with friends and not being complete losers, but its true, so.

i read some of the stories here as well, usually the ones people telling how they’re struggling life wise and it makes me feel not as alone, even if i’ve never gonna talk to them or only really give kudos. i mean those kudos man! my kudos have heart

life was good about a week ago. i blew a lot of money on skill toys like yoyos and stuff because i want to find something  productive and “”””cool”””” looking to do with my life, because apparently the whole guitar/rockstar thing fell through. music wise i cant trust what anybody says. I spent about two years of my music “career” just being told it was bad by the people closest to me. I dont really trust what anybody says about it. Nobody cares for my stuff like i do, and i dont even care for it sometimes. I do plan on making more, but honestly its neither here nor there.

what the post was actually about is this paradox i feel like im experiencing that im too scared to get out of. There’s always going to be someone better than me at what i do. I could make my entire life about education and math, but there’s always gonna be someone who’s understood math since they exited the womb, and then i’m working hard to be overshadowed. I could get really good at a sport, i really like tennis, badminton, and volleyball, but the people that play it are already good at these sports so trying to play with them makes me feel like im weighing them down. It genuinely makes me feel horrible about myself, so i dont bother asking to play with my peers if they’re playing anymore. I could get really good at games, i like smash bros, thugpro, and pjsk/holodori, but if i invest all of my time into them and trying to stream them, i’m not gonna get any viewers, i’m not going to be better than the best, so what’s really the point? I’m not sure what pushes me to keep going anymore, but I do. A long time ago i thought about killing myself, made peace with it, and ended up just not doing for some reason. I dont think i had access to a gun, and when i publically, like an idiot, asked for one, i was told it looked like i was attention seeking. I wasn’t, I genuinely wanted to blow my head off, but the social embarrassment scared me out of doing it. A positive, I guess.

this’ll probably be doomed to not be read by anyone, but i’m glad i could get my thoughts and feelings out