i dont understand love

what does it mean to be in love? properly, absolutely in love-- the kinda love you can't even doubt, not for a moment. 

i love my friends, i love my family, i love the feeling my interests bring, and i love love-stories, fairytales of happily ever after, fabricated love. but, i dream and i dream of finally falling so deeply in love that my heart hurts-- 17 years of living and i dont think i've ever even got close.

the love that i've felt is fleeting-- a moment of adrenaline, the shyness of saying "baby" for the first time, the realisation that you share the same humour, that you're sexually compatible, that you have the same goals and aims for one another.

but then theres that sinking feeling. i dont feel giddy anymore-- he'll send a cute video and i'll smile, pleased, but where is that rush? where is that rush i felt when we would call every night? wheres that stomach-knotting feeling of tension when he would flirt?

does it always fade so quickly?

its easy to say i love him. even while writing this, i want to convince myself that i do. these things take time, and i'm willing to wait and build on the gentle feeling and attraction i already feel. 

it's not supposed to hit you like a crashing wave.

why do i feel emptiness when he takes too long to answer? why do i feel sad he doesn't ask to call, even when i know i could pop the question myself.

theres a happiness that comes with gushing about him to my friends. because he really is kind, handsome and hilarious. he has the same views as me. he's practically perfect.

so, after waiting and praying so long to find someone like him, who loves me for me, why am i not more excited? why do i feel a sinking feeling when he's away?

am i scared he's going to leave? is my fear making my own feelings dulled down? am i scared that the affection i feel really will be fleeting?

he loves me so much. he talks about how he's never felt this way before, how much he wants to kiss and be close to me, how desperately his heart yearns for me. he even wants for me to be his first.

his vulnerability and dedication is both exhilarating and daunting.

i feel so guilty because i'm not sure i love him as much as he loves me.

i need him to ask to call. i need him to be there more. i want this to work. i want him.

anyway, im just talking to a wall now. byebye