I feel dumb. I think I'm burning out.

Seriously. I legit no longer reply to messages on time because I'm always BUSY. And it's getting really boring. All I do is study and cry about how my future will turn out because I'm not getting the grades I want. I've been doing this for over a year now, thinking that my routine is healthy. All I do is wake up super early, study for the entire day, then go to bed. However, during the summer, I started realizing I no longer can wake up early because my body just won't LET me, and it's pissing me off. I did change the routine tho so that I study, work out, whatever. I hate changes in my routine; it makes me mad for the rest of the day. 

I literally don't do anything other than that. I let go of my hobbies to focus on studying. I used to read and draw a lot, I used to swim a lot too. But because of school pressure I stopped doing everything that I liked, even when I had free time. I'm supposed to enjoy my summer. Not spend it all "studying". 

My motivation for studying is literally dying rn. Usually, I would be able to accomplish over 6 hours of studying. Now I can't even accomplish an hour of studying. I'm writing this after doing 2 subjects, each 50 mins. Because I'm revising for my IGCSE's haha we were told that this summer we have to revise. But tbh it really just gets to a point because I can't find the same motivation I had before. I'm not taking in any information anymore, all I'm doing is zoning out. I don't even remember what I study. 

Tbh there are no other activities for me to do on my own really since my area is super boring and I'm not friends with anyone, not because I'm a bitch, but because everyone has their own friends to focus on. Idk how to explain it, buuuut just going up to someone and asking if y'all can be friends is NOT for the weak. And most of my year group is popular people. Ngl there are nice people in my year group, and we do get along, except it just doesn't work out if we ever be friends. Idk how to explain it. Anyways, I lowk just wanna go out with someone because, not to glaze myself, I can be fun. I don't go out unless I have doctor appointments or if my dad forces me to. It sucks, being alone. 

Which is why I keep trying to make online friends, because sometimes at the end of the day, people online are much better than people offline. It depends. 

My motivation is dead asf, and sometimes I just wish I never gave a shit about my future. But I have to. I have a lot of siblings, I'm the oldest. And I'm worried that if my dad spends most of his money on me and my second sister's uni or college in the future, he might not have enough to supply the others. Which is why I wanna have a good future. So my parents can live well and so can my siblings. 

I tried talking to my mom about it coz she insisted (idk what happened that day but she hit me or smth and it resulted in a vent while I was on the floor, dw no weapons were used). Idk, she didn't understand anything. She just sat with this look on her face that said "I dont give a shit you know". I CRIED MY EYES OUT AHAHAHHAAH but yeah she later hugged me and said "mother knows best" then proceeded the next day to get mad at me and use the same words I used during the vent to mock me. And she still uses them when she gets mad and wants to talk shit about me. Yeah anyways, talking with my parents is never a solution, so I end up talking to people online. I'm pretty open and straightforward about my feelings, which sometimes makes me feel like I'm attention seeking (same feeling I'm feeling rn while writing this). Which I'm not. I just wanna talk it out so I forget about it later. 

Maybe tmrw would be better at least. Some people suffer worse, so I shouldn't be too miserable abt it all tbh.