i feel horrible sometimes

I think i rely too much on other people's reactions to dictate how i feel. somtimes ill crack a joke i know probably wont make someone laugh on the off chance that it will, and that feels disingenuous to how i actually am. Earlier in school i saw this girl i used to have a crush on and i asked how her and her ex was doing.  in retrospect that wasnt the thing to do at all, but i remember they were still talking in some way after they broke up, almost like friends but im not sure. i just didnt think the question would land like it did, but it did, and she then asked me "why would you ask me that"

she was right to say it but she just said it in such a disgusted repulsed way and i was just trying to make small talk, but again you never know about ppls exs and stuff right? whatever

i think whatever remnants of a crush or infatuation i had for her faded away in that moment, which is highkey good cause im talking/dating someone at the moment so im glad my feelings finally resolved

during junior year she would basically ignore me to the point of me asking whether we were friends or not, and then she said yeah, confused

im probably coming off like a dickhead but if someone you considered a good friend stopped talking to you suddenly then youd do the same thing

anyway she said we were and i just felt stupid i feel stupid all the time but thats what i get for doing stupid shit

everythings whatever