I feel like a loser (vent: tw for COCSA)

I don't even know what's wrong with me, it's been years since i was SA'd by her and she even apologised for what happend. I should be able to let it go, there's no use still being sour over it still. I'm too old to be mad at her for doing that to me bc she was literally a child like 10 years old. She was younger than me dawg 😭 I should be the bigger person and just forgive and forget but for some reason, i want to keep holding a grudge... The only people i told abt my sa was a counseler and a friend. I'm scared to talk abt other people cause they might judge me bc my SA'er was a girl. I can't even tell my own parents. Atp, just put me out of my misery 😂✌️

Sometimes i feel like my SA isn't even valid bc i want to forgive my perpetrator. I want her to have a good future, as much as i hate her, i don't want her wanting to be a doctor be ruined bc i can't let go of the past. But at the same time, i can't bc i want to continue hating her and holding my grudge.