i feel like everything is getting worse

I came to the realization that i should sell my shit. I've been collecting consoles, games, and old phones for years now and im sad that i just realized that it was all for not. at the very least now i know how many things i dont actually enjoy. everybodys obsessed with digicams now, so my old phone collection is essentially null. i'm honestly quite upset and disappointed, but i need money and i dont have a job, so this is the next alternative. I'm gonna miss the things ive already promised to sell, but i guess that phase of my life is over and its time to grow up to better things. I'm sure everyone will love old phones in the next 2 years or so and ill be the only weirdo without one, thats usually how things go

the first quarter ended, and not one A graced my report card. yknow, i cared but whats done is done i guess. my mom doesnt know yet, i havent told her, thank god.

All of my talents are for not, as well. I'm really good at making underground beats, but i can't get anyone i know interested in music production like i am. in real life, i mean. Online, my friends are all better than me when it comes to music production. its used to be almost debilitating, the only thing your good at, everybody you know in real life doesnt care about it and everyone you know online is better than you at it, its like a feedback loop of negativity. I stopped making music for a long time because of it, and thats the main reason i have songs underneath worldgothday in the first place. I'd say i have plans for the alias, but they probably wont be coming to fruition, and will end up unfinished like everything else i make. or don't make, i guess. 

in good news, im talking to someone new! i tried apologizing to the ex for how i handled the break up, but i ended up receiving "i dont really feel like texting rn" as a response, so i got the message. good small talk though! and about the new girl, she doesnt know about this account, but she's really nice and seems like she cares about me. we essentially just met, but ill probably be going to see her pretty soon, yay! sometimes i feel like im not doing enough, and that shes getting tired of me. I'm sure if i asked her she would say no, but you know how people are. 

i honestly dont know why i keep going? i feel like i probably should have killed myself by now, and most people would move on, but everyone says, "oh, people will miss you" "it's selfish" "its yada yada" i find it weird that the person who wants to kill themself is being proposed reasons not to based on their interactions with other people. I'd say the interactions with other people is what got them to that point, but, i don't really know anything about prevention. I only know sometimes i contemplate doing it. I just wouldnt want to inconvenience any crime scene clean-up crew. I've seen pictures of guys who did it with a shotgun, very gross. I know i'm not going to, though. It'd be on brand for me to die to something just slightly in my control, like catching cancer early or something. my friend keeps texting me, saying she doesnt want to die. I blow her off and say she's not going to anytime soon, but, i dont know that. I dont know when my last day is, either. i just dont want my experience now to suck, so i keep going. everyday, my life gets worse some how. Today, it was walking into the only bathroom available in my first periods hallway, just to find a teacher in there who promptly ushered me out. he's a cool guy, but wanting to blow my head off in my first period kind of set the tone for the entire day. I couldnt even explain it to the girl im talking to, why my day was ass, and how much it bothered me. 

I put a lot of emphasis on embarrassment, i kind of wish i didn't. normal people dont dwell on embarrassing event like i do, most people dont even care. my biggest fear is that something embarrassing happens and someone's filming, or watching, and i have to go about my life being know as "the ___ guy." It happened during middle school and I think it's scarred me and my self esteem more than id like to admit, nor realize. It's the same feeling of being scared of a whooping after the teacher called your mom, almost. 

sorry for the word salad...i have good grades again, at least!