i feel unlovable

i have a few friends and i love them so much, but i still cant believe that they actually like me. no matter how much i know my friends are allowed to have other friends i feel so scared that theyre gonna replace me with someone they like more than me. ive not had many friends growing up and that has to mean im kind of annoying, but i dont know how to fix that. also i dont really like the people in my class and im autistic so that might be another reason. no matter how much reassurance i get i still know im nobodys favourite and the people who want to be friends with my are people i highkey find annoying. but if my current friends do leave me i dont even know what im gonna do because when im not around them for a while my mental health depletes and i stay in my room all the time. i broke my phone recently so i feel even more isolated, and where i live has like no other kids my age.

tw for sh- but when i feel like i dont get enough attention i want to relapse so badly. i dont know whats after death and i know people would fill in the blanks in my life and make it seem like it was sudden. but im also scared that death is like just blackness but still with a conscious mind, just slowly going insane and those are the main reasons why im still alive. its hell

it sounds so pathetic but i actually have no other way to word it 😨😨