I find 16 year old girls attractive

i'm sorry I can't always be there to tell you how pretty you look or to pass you a love letter after class that never says I love you 

maybe it's how I contend with only liking people surface level, or just cope for feeling I only like pretty girls objectively instead of liking them because I like them. I'm sorry it's just that I have a lot on my mind to do much else but stare at your boobs 

sorry for not blogging I've just been really confused, trying to make sense of things. anyway if you read for the title you should stop here, sorry Ik it was clickbaity

sorry sorry sorry, my brother said that alot and I hated him for it 

orientation day went great, so why do I feel everything at once? so uhh abt that last blog apparently I didn't need the advice because I talked like the most extroverted person ever and did it just fine so maybe its an online thing or just with girls maybe? or maybe its when people can know so much about me here instead of what I don't tell people in person

I was like a different person, it came so naturally that now I'm torn on just who I am 

Why is life so good to me when it's on a short timer? Is it just another mood swing? or was everything till then a mood swing? Then was it all just a lie? Ik I get depressed and moody over the summer but was that not me? I'm so fucking confused right now. When I get home it all feels the same but watered now. Why am I trying so hard to feel sad and guilty for being happy? Why am I trying so hard for reasons to die? Trying for reasons to feel guilty even though I feel nothing, its just a matter of time though before something I tell myself hits a nerve and it all rushes back to my head

I mean FUCK bro, I played FRIENDSLOP over vc and got naked on video call for a gag, i even talked albeit quietly inside my room

I know I said "if you know me irl then I'm larping" but was that tru? Was nothing I felt legit? remember in my "I regret ****** myself" blog I said "that miasma" that wont go away? is it really like that? I just feel so shit when I get home and I start to hate everyone and want to punch a hole in something, this room has so many bad memories that I think I'm subconsciously holding onto them, I'm fucking LIVING in my trigger bro, I just need to get out of here.

it makes so much sense now, my vauge post that I questioned why am I waiting two more years? it was for this 

why I the world so wonderful right now?

why does my head hurt so much while writing this?

why am I fighting so hard against being happy?

I hate this house and everyone in it

why is life being so good to me right now? Just waiting to rip it all away from me? why does my head hurt so fucking much?

why do I feel so guilty when I laugh?

what do you want from me?, for me?

was I a lie?

I have a feeling if I ignore this its going to bite me in the back

am I just that good at larping sane?

Why am I trying so hard to live?

fuck mee broooo