I guess some personal thoughts

Written from 5:something - 6 am 

  I finally logged into friend rewind onto my computer so hopefully it will be a bit easier to type, I really want to get back into writing on it, makes it feel a little more personal, the tactile feeling of me hitting the keys sigh's that I am in fact typing if that makes sense. Lately me and a friend are kinda in the same situation in a way, we are both single and have recently been feeling lonely. The thing that gets me is the way we both approach these things, its so unafraid to just do things??  this is going to sound so dramatic but they were not even hesitating to download friend making apps or even try getting into a dating app. 

       He was not even scared or worried and that kinda made me realize how bad my social anxiety has gotten in the resent months or even years. I'm always worried about everything I do even if I make myself believe other wise, I end up doing things to make myself smaller and not to step on anyone's toes. Tbh me making this account was kinda a sign of "rebellion" or something new and exciting, writing these blogs and pouring out my thoughts over the most minute things makes me feel like I'm braking so many rules. Even online I feel like I've taught myself to take up the least amount of space as possible, i always lurk, never post, and yearn for connection of a community, and then get anxious the moment I step into a room. I almost didn't notice it at first, I used to not care about going into a room and sitting in it but now goin g into a room comes with a bunch of things flying into my head a mile a minute. I feel like I'm writing the code on the spot, desperately trying to keep up and not make any mistakes that will inevitably happen. 

     Like I go into a center at my collage that I chill in pretty frequently, top the point they can recognize my face and say hi. There so kind but yet the only thing that's in my head is, oh my god I'm sweating so much, that was too loud, am i sweating to much, oh god I am so scared I am breathing to hard, am I taking too much of the table up? oh god other people are coming in, a bit group, sit in the corner and huge your bag. I don't even feel comfortable sitting outside on a bench, when did I get this bad? all I do is sit in my room, because that's the only place I feel calm in, it can be so hard to go outside sometimes. I love the outside, i think its beautiful, I love making friends, I love sitting in cafes or boba spots for hours just drawing or doing whatever on my laptop, I love it so much. Over the years my body or subconscious has been building up this huge thick armor to protect me from things over 99% of the world wont notice or dwell on. 

      I want to get better, I want to be adventurous, I want to go outside and wonder and see new things, meet new people, dress in ways I didn't think possible. I want to be able to go somewhere and just sit for hours enjoying life, and see others enjoying there's too. I want to feel the sun on my face and feel the night air hit it all within the same night without worrying. I want to get better I really do, so hopefully writing these blogs can help me get used to taking so much space, and meet new people. 

sorry for talking so long and 100% repeating myself lol, I hope you have an amazing day.