I hate Halloween and despise Children

I HATE Halloween! I hate it! I do!
I hate every pumpkin, each ghost and each boo!
I hate all the costumes, the sweets and the cheer,
I hate every child who comes knocking each year!

Those horrible children! Those dreadful small things!
With their buckets and costumes and cheap plastic rings!
They giggle! They wiggle! They shriek and they shout!
If I had my way, they'd all STAY IN, NOT OUT!

I hate their small footsteps! I hate their small feet!
I hate their demands for a bucket of sweets!
I hate all their laughter! I hate all their fun!
And I count every second till Halloween's DONE!

So on October twenty-fifth, at precisely midnight,
I turn off each lamp and extinguish each light!
I bolt every window! I fasten each door!
I declare, "I SHALL NOT BE DISTURBED ANYMORE!"

I retreat to the darkest, most miserable place,
With a wonderfully horrible scowl on my face!
No sunlight! No moonlight! No flicker of flame!
And if someone knocks, I shall NOT play their game!

But outside my fortress, those children still roam,
Those bothersome creatures who WON'T STAY AT HOME!
They skip down the pavement! They dance in the street!
They screech at the neighbours demanding a treat!

"TRICK OR TREAT!" comes a voice from outside.
I curl up with hatred and quietly hide.
"WE KNOW THAT YOU'RE HOME!" cries a child dressed in red.
"AND I KNOW YOU'RE ANNOYING!" I shout from my bed!

"PLEASE, MISTER! SOME SWEETS!" comes a terrible plea.
"THERE'S NOTHING FOR YOU! THERE'S NOTHING FOR FREE!
NO LOLLIES! NO CHOCOLATE! NO SWEETS OF ANY KIND!
NOW LEAVE THIS POOR MISERABLE GENTLEMAN BEHIND!"

But then I grew tired of hiding away,
And thought of a plan that would RUIN THEIR DAY!

I put up a sign, all enormous and bright:
"NO SWEETS AT THIS HOUSE! NOT TONIGHT! NOT ANY NIGHT!
NO TREATS FOR THE WITCHES! NO TREATS FOR THE GHOSTS!
AND CERTAINLY NONE FOR THE CHILDREN I LOATHE MOST!"

I placed out a bowl with a note on the top:
"PLEASE TAKE JUST ONE!" said the sign at my stop.

But inside the bowl? Not a chocolate in sight!
Just a collection of BROCCOLI, GREEN AND WHITE!

And under the broccoli, another small note:
"YOUR HALLOWEEN SPIRIT IS SOMETHING I LOATHE!"

The children were furious! The children were sad!
They told all their parents that I was quite bad!
They called me a grouch! They called me a beast!
I smiled in the darkness, enjoying my feast.

For dinner was peaceful! My curtains were drawn!
I sat there quite happily, waiting for dawn!

But I wasn't finished! Oh, no! Not just yet!
There were many more things I could do to upset!

I unplugged the doorbell! I dismantled the chime!
I declared Halloween a colossal waste of time!
I covered the windows with blankets and sheets,
And dreamed of a world with NO CHILDREN OR SWEETS!

October grew older, the thirty-first came,
And outside my home, it was always the same!

The laughter! The shouting! The hideous noise!
The horrible girls and the horrible boys!

I clenched both my fists! I gritted my teeth!
I cursed every pumpkin and plastic false wreath!

"WHY CAN'T THEY BE QUIET? WHY CAN'T THEY BE STILL?
WHY MUST THEY COME SCREAMING AND SHRIEKING AT WILL?"

And then came November! The first! Then the second!
The glorious moment for which I had reckoned!

I opened my curtains! I unlocked my door!
There were no little monsters demanding sweets anymore!

I LAUGHED AND I LAUGHED! WHAT A WONDERFUL DAY!
THOSE HORRIBLE CHILDREN HAD ALL GONE AWAY!

But then came a neighbour, who smiled with delight,
And asked, "Did you enjoy Halloween night?"

I stared at that neighbour. I stared at his face.
I told him to kindly GET OUT OF MY SPACE.

"ENJOY IT?" I cried. "YOU MUST BE INSANE!
I'D RATHER SPEND NINE DAYS OUTSIDE IN THE RAIN!
I HATE EVERY PUMPKIN! I HATE EVERY BAT!
I HATE EVERY COSTUME! AND THAT IS THAT!"

"And next year?" he asked, with a curious grin.
"Will you open your door and let Halloween in?"

I smiled a smile that was wicked and wide,
Then pointed one finger straight back inside.

"FROM OCTOBER THE TWENTY-FIFTH, HEAR WHAT I SAY,
UNTIL NOVEMBER THE SECOND, I'M STAYING AWAY!

NO CHILDREN! NO CANDY! NO KNOCKING FOR TREATS!
NO COSTUMED SMALL CREATURES SHALL DARKEN MY STREETS!

AND SHOULD ONE SMALL CHILD DARE TO KNOCK AT MY DOOR,
THEY'LL FIND EXACTLY WHAT THEY FOUND THE YEAR BEFORE!"

"A bowl full of broccoli?" the neighbour said.

"NO," I replied.

"THIS TIME, BRUSSELS SPROUTS INSTEAD."