I hate the fact that i might be the fucking problem

Dude it’s everyone i meet they have an issue with me. My own friend, strangers, anyone. I have this friend and shes dry asl she acts like she doesnt wanna see me text her, and i might know why but this has been happening fir 4 yrs, currently ik why but previously shes been doing this its like she hates me. This other person i had to block shes been rude asf for 2 years, she talked shit saying how i was a pick me and fishing for attention which mind u i was nice to her all friendship, i never judged her place, i payed for her all of the time, i even stayed friends with her when she didnt defend me and while she was a bird for her ex, and people are randomly mean to me. So no one can be mad if i end up shooting them. Now everyone says i complain a lot but half of the time what i ‘complain’ ab is true. I cant tell if i should just be mean and accept being a horrible person bc i also have horrible thinking not the depressed way but more the problematic way but i dont tell it to others. But i feel like i have a right to think the way i think and act the way i act and feel the way i feel..