i have issues with anxiety that wont go away and probably stem from middle school

While trying to find subjects for my personal statement, I realized that I think a lot of my life has been dictated by anxiety. I get really clammy hands all the time doing anything, but that's not important. 

In middle school, i was bullied. I feel like most of it was my fault and was something I probably could've prevented by being silent most times. I wanted friends desperately. I had friends, but we never hung out like usual since they were really into girls. However, i was ugly. I had nothing going for me looks-wise. I was short, had a big forehead, no hair, big glasses. I really looked like a giant nerd, and was treated as such. It's really nobody's fault but mine, honestly, I think if I saw me, I'd bully me too, but it ended but forming deep insecurities that havent gone away

i wish everything i was insecure about just felt like no big deal. My girlfriend has a couple things she's insecure about appearance-wise, and I tell her that they aren't bad or aren't even noticeable. They aren't, at all, she's perfect. But when she does the same to me I literally can't accept it.

I have issues with accepting compliments. You could insult or provide criticism all day and I'd probably believe it wholeheartedly, but compliments, to me, only really mean things when they're coming from people that don't know you. People don't like when criticizing, everyone can find issues with everything, but when it comes to compliments, i've learned people will just lie to make you feel better. 

when I was making first making music, one of my closest friends would particularly hate on it at every chance, and I think that since this is when I was first starting, the sentiments stuck with me. I don't really believe anybody likes the things i make. Nobody listens to them without me asking them to. When you really like a song, you listen to it, no? People will say anything about the things I make, but it really means most when it comes from the comments on my youtube channel. Someone took time out of there day to comment on something I made. It means more than an "i like it."

The insecurities ive developed socially and with the things I make haunt me. Honestly it keeps me from putting my full self forward, because i'm scared of being hurt. Fully investing myself in anything scares me. Sometimes I wont play games online, because I'm scared of being made fun of, and that, if I go against someone better than me, I'll just waste my time and lose. I'm not sure how this philosophy gets me anywhere, i'm sure its not. But i still have it

I think most of my issues stem from one particular incident in my middle school. It was the school dance, towards the end of the year. I didn't want to go, I knew I had nobody to go with and, even at that age, I realized that if all of my "friends" did, I'd have nobody to talk to. I dont want to make it seem like i had nobody, but i was close to it. My mom basically pressured me into going anyway, and after the first 30 minutes or so, I ended up just sitting on the stadium stairs, alone, and embarrassed. I put my head down into my arms and listened to an album i had released days earlier. I'd never link it here, cause it's fucking horrible, but it was one of the things that made me realize that I was kind of a loser. 

One of my biggest fears is being called cringe. I know, it's cringey to even see the word cringe, but that's the only thing I can call it. I'll admit that i judge people, but i'm always open minded to deeming things cool or cringe. I'm only using the term cringe because I can't think of a better word. It's been a fear of mine, its probably stemmed from social anxiety to fit in, and I probably won't stop feeling the way i do at any point in my life. It doesn't go away.

i dont want to sound insane, but everyone has an internet monologue right? Mine judges me when i do anything. Mine throws me off. Mine will sometimes lead me away from doing things I thought I wouldve enjoyed because I realize id just embarrass myself. This probably sounds similar to one of the other paragraphs I've typed, but I could them as different.

Nobody really likes what i like or make, but its nice when people act like they do