I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO IRRITATED IN MY LIFE.

before you ask this is not performative .. if I was trying to look good I would never talk about my problems 

I am so irritated at everything. I’m irritated at my past self for doing such toxic behaviours and hurting people. I hate myself in the same way that I would hate anyone who did what I did; who the fuck did I think I was, hurting someone just because I disliked them a little? I don’t act like that anymore so there’s no real reason to be thinking about it anymore but I’m so angry at myself. I really was just another irritating boy who thought he ruled the world. I would punch the fuck out of myself for hurting people so badly if I could. I don’t know if I even feel guilt, or just a feeling of anger and being creeped out by my capacity to harm people. The idea that I could act like that is so annoying. I have such a strict moral compass and I really still did that. I’m so fucking. MAD. I don’t deserve forgiveness or to live but I have to anyways and I hate it. I guess it’s kind of good to hate my past self so much so I can improve, but it eats at me every day. I can’t stand my past self and I’d kill him if he was still here. I’m glad I’m a better person now but fucking hell was I a little bitch. The most little bitch to ever bitch. 

I’m irritated at everyone else too. My cat, Tobias, keeps being aggressive to my favourite cat trixie. Both of them love me but Tobias keeps trying to be aggressive to trixie to get more of my attention and I don’t like it. Trixie doesn’t like me petting her all that much either, though I do know she loves me. I think it’s because I’m not at this house often so she doesn’t want to get comfortable because she knows I’ll go back to my mum’s house soon. 

My dad is loud, my brothers have the most annoying voices known to man, everyone is annoying and toxic and I see myself in them and I hate that. I might manifest everyone dying so I can get into a new family, a better one that isn’t so disgusting. I hate everything. I just can’t be bothered existing. But ohh, I have to continue living because apparently I have good things to bring in the world. People like me should die. But sadly I can’t kill myself so the only thing I can do is enjoy life and try to be better. Sadly.