i keep the window closed as we take off

i don’t know how to fix this. i don’t know when it started, but i feel like i can’t breathe without her and it scares me. im scared and im exhausted and i dont know how to keep holding this together and i dont know how to keep myself together and i want to just throw it all away if it means i can keep her love. 

we had our first conflict a few days ago and it just never resolved because we don’t know how to resolve anything and we don’t know how to do anything except rely on each other. and it made me realize how unstable we are. we depend on each other for reassurance and for stability and the second it’s threatened it’s like the world has turned over onto its back like a sad, scrawny dog. and if i’m being honest a part of me likes it. a part of me wants to know that she’ll always be there for me and that i’ll be there for her and i’ll always be there for her and i won’t care how it affects me i just want to give and give and i don’t care about anything i don’t care i just want her i just want her to be happy. i want her to be happy because of me. it kills me that i made her unhappy. it kills me that i almost hurt her irreversibly and i almost lost her for good. 

i don’t need to be happy i’ll be happy if she’s happy oh god please just let me make her happy. 

she promised me that she’ll never stop loving me and that she’ll never leave me. she said that she needed me to promise it back. i would be lying if i said that didn’t make me feel so happy. i’ve had many people promise me that they wouldn’t leave me, or that they would love me forever. but it was the first time anyone ever cared enough or loved me enough or wanted me enough to ask me to promise not to leave. it stuck with me. it scares me that it stuck with me, that i rely on it as much as i do. 

i don’t even know if this is codependence anymore or if it’s just dependence. 

i held back from telling her how i was worried, i didn’t think it was necessary. i tried to convince myself that it wasn’t important. this was fine, we’re fine how we are. i mean it’s working, right? even if we’re super attached, isn’t that what love is? attachment? 

she asked for space but i’m weak. i’m so weak. 

i miss you so much i love you, can i prove to you i love you? can i prove it to you please?

_____

“i keep the window closed as we take off”

i’m on a small plane to santa rosa

and it smells like piss

the walls are yellow and there’s a

nice old woman beside me who can

tell i don’t want to talk but pushes anyway 

because that’s what nice old women do 

and the speakers are playing that one artist 

you really love

and she’s singing that one song 

you really love

that you added to that one playlist

that you made for me

that i never really listened to

except that one time i did

because it was what 

you really loved

and the flight’s taking off and

i keep the window closed

i don’t want to see it at all.

i’m on a car ride 

back to the house i live in

away from you and

away from home and

there’s a sick feeling in my stomach

that i carry for the few months i knew you

and i nurse it to health so that

i can see the abomination that is

you and me

i hear your smile in its infant wail

and i feel the familiar fit of 

your hair between my fingers 

slipping away with 

kind cruelty

the curve of my shoulder burns with

the absence of your head

and the corners of my lips

beg to be pulled into that

wide, toothed smile

that could only be 

pulled by you and 

the sickness is still there and

the sickness is still crying and

i hold it until the breathing stops

i don’t want to hear it at all. 

i’m lying in a bed that isn’t mine

and im trying hard not to 

think about you

i’m trying hard not to

add another text

on top of the ones i’ve 

been too weak not to send

and there’s a stranger who’s

crying in my ear

and his voice is cracked at the edges

while the guitar whines its self pitying tune

and i hate that i hear myself in

his self-induced misery

and i wonder what you hear in

our self-induced misery

and i wonder if you even 

know that you’re miserable 

or care that im miserable

and i can’t help but

think about you and

i don’t want to stop loving you at all.

____

“she hopes i’m cursed forever to sleep on a twin-sized mattress, in somebody’s attic or basement my whole life. never graduating up in size to add another, and my nightmares will have nightmares every night.”

-Twin Size Mattress, The Front Bottoms

“I am yours, you are mine. feeling sad all the time.”

“on again and off again, destroy yourself and lose your friendsZ and isolate the ones you love, pathetically abandon them.” “you have no idea how many people this will hurt.”

-The House with No Doorbell, McCafferty

“i wanna scoop out my cheeks, so you can’t pinch them anymore.” “arms legs gut face, all of the things you love but i hate. arms legs gut face, all of the things you will never see again.”

-Aesthetic? (More Like Ass-Pathetic), Panucci’s Pizza

“i want to help you, but i don’t know how. i want to soothe you, but i can’t speak out.” “i want to hold you, but i am afraid. i want to touch you, but im not that way.” “i have many doubts about my motives, i have many fears about my greed. i have always hurt the one that i love, so ill turn and look the other way.” 

-The Other Way, Weezer

“what do you mean i got it backwards? you know we’re gonna be forever. why are you telling me goodbye? aren’t you going to stay the night? are we really over now? maybe i can change your mind. as soon as you walk out my door, im gonna call a hundred times.”

-(One of Those) Crazy Girls, Paramore

“nobody knows me like her, nobody knows her like me. we’re all we’ve got and we don’t wanna be alone.”

-No Other One, Weezer

“love of my life, gone forever. love of my life, gone for good.” “right now i’m just a psycho hellbent on self destruction.”

-West Virginia, The Front Bottoms

-Skeleton Bones, McCafferty

-Long Term Relationships Were Only Cool When Divorce Wasn’t, Merchant Ships

-I Just Threw Out The Love Of My Dreams, Weezer 

-Sober to Death, Car Seat Headrest

-Sober to Death, Car Seat Headrest

-Sober to Death, Car Seat Headrest