I know it's not a good thing that I keep hurting myself // tw: mentions of self-harm and pills

But if I'm going to be honest here. What can I really do? I mean I have been dealing with intrusive thoughts for at least five years now and those thoughts keep on ruining how I view others that I know and I just feel guilty in the end. I still haven't told my family about because I'm afraid of what they'll think of me after I do tell them. I mean how am I supposed to tell like "I've been dealing with my intrusive thoughts for five years and it was the cause of my self-harm alongside with my guilt"? There is no way they are going to believe me and adding to fact I cannot trust my own father cuz he only cares if I stop harming myself just to save my "beauty skin" while I know he doesn't give two shits about my issues. 

I genuinely cannot talk about this for any longer. Talking about my issues, my problems almost never helps but give me a break for a day or HELL a few hours before my head goes spiraling all over again. And I'm just going to repeat the same mistakes over and over again by harming myself or taking my dad's medication to lose sleep and make myself feel hopeful. I really do want to feel like myself, feel happy without having to be disgusted at myself over it, without the intrusive thoughts ruining my day. 

The only hope I have is that when I'm old enough (say around mid twenties-to thirties because I do need to save money and focus on college if I want to survive in this world) then I could move out my parents home and get some help so at least I could feel like myself and get my shit together again. 

I'm just tired of this.