I look like shit (killing mySELF.)

Not only have I been losing weight at insane speeds my heart is beating out of my fucking chest at all times and I look sick as fuck due to not having my anaemia pills. Just a summary. 

I won’t continue looking ugly. If I keep my stupid buck teeth and my weird eyes and go to school ugly, then I’ll end up committing by period 7, because I put a lot of weight on looking hot and if I don’t, I’m basically nothing. So I’ll just manifest looking good. But it’s hard to look hot when you’re chronically ill. My anaemia — which is severe — makes me deeply pale, accentuates my eyes/lips, and generally just makes me look a bit like a corpse. 

I just looked at my reflection. I look as I usually, but yesterday I saw something weird in the mirror. I wasn’t attractive. At all. I couldn’t accept it so I went to shower as I was planning to anyways but it still played on my mind. I know some people are comfortable being unattractive, but I can’t. It’s impossible. So I hope I’ll get my tablets soon so I can actually begin looking like a human. 

Alongside that, I’m losing a shitton of weight. That thin legs subliminal sure did work because my bones are poking out of my thighs. My thighs store most of my fat and I’ve hated that for a while but I don’t know if I like starting to see my bone emerge either. I can also see the bones in my hands even clearly now, the tendons and bones running and able to be seen in the arm. I noticed this in my left hand first when I was tapping something and literally felt my skin being moved by my bones. It’s not a nice feeling. 

My ribs, spine and scapula are also way more visible. And god, I mean visible.. when I’m standing normally my ribs can’t be seen from the side, but if I move whatsoever my whole skeleton becomes visible. I’m just bony as fuck now. I don’t know why this is all happening. Maybe it’s the.. complete lack of eating anything that’s more than 400 calories at once, maybe it’s the lack of iron. I have no idea because why the hell is it such a rapid loss? Probably the subliminal.

The weight loss can keep happening but if I look into a mirror and see something I don’t even recognise then someone’s going to have to take the blame. HELL NO. Anyways I’m going to drink tea. bye .