I might be goin, gone, get

Warning: This may be severely triggering perhaps.

As of writing this right now, I took a ton of ritalin. I know it iis likely that this entry may be taken down and that would be reasonable. I would just like to confess something that happened to me in the past year which i've been keeping secret and its been part of the weight on my shoulders bogging me down. 

almost exactly a year ago i was forced to move from my home in rural canada to big city southeast asia. I didn't take it well. The culture shock was a big hit on me and so was being forced to move again just after i felt like i'd met the people i felt would stay with me for the rest of my life. I started the IB diploma course as well which was a huge shock education-wise having come from a public school full of rednecks and folks already at the end of their lives despite just being in their teens.

It's ironic actually. I grew up moving from one place in the middle of nowhere to another almost every year so i was used to constant movement. I was used to being able to do despicable things and being able to run away from it all. after settling in this spot for 3 years, I was having a crisis because i felt the extreme urge to move or run away or do anything to get out of there. I needed an escape. I saved up for and bought a dirt bike and some saddlebags for it. I had the grand idea and dream of running away southbound and playing hobo in the states. I was invested, and by summer i was ready. Then my family told me "We're moving to Thailand this summer" No warning, it was sharply spontaneous. So I sold my bike and left. I said farewell to my girlfriend and my best friends and i was relieved to at least be moving somewhere -- to be anywhere other than that lonely valley with nothing but orchards and cattle. 

I was immediately shocked upon arrival in Thailand. It reminded me of Fahrenheit 451, specifically the massive billboards. Them advertisements were bigger than most of the biggest buildings i've ever seen. Everything was grotesquely crowded. I immediately felt as though i couldn't manage to breath, either because of the poluted, muggy air or the shock from the sheer volume of everything. There was a nugatory surplus of human life. 

My girlfriend in canada sent me a photo of a pregnancy test one early morning (at least for my time) and called sobbing and crying. It was my fault. Neither of us knew what to do, we had just turned sixteen. Our relationship was rather serious. We used to talk of silly dreams of one day having children in a cottage. We were religious. How could i care for a child while my parents were forcing me to pursue my education across the ocean and multiple continents? How could I even break this to my parents? By this point we were already 6 weeks into the pregnancy. 

As if the new school system and completely alien way of life wasn't enough for me to deal with. I made a habit of self harming before I heard the news.

We'd debate every day the great moral dilemma of abortion. after a while we did decide to abort it.

I stayed up late every night trying to comfort her through her day.

I prayed for hours and hours begging and repeating my pleas to God

"Lord please, you know I am not ready to be a father and you know my situation won't allow me to be present when I am needed most. Please take this all away, I do not want to be responsible for the death of my own child."

My prayers were answered. 

My girlfriends abusive father had returned home and got into a fight with her. He was not aware of the pregnancy. She was severely beaten and the baby was suspected to be dead at this point. 

She attempted to take her life via overdose that following night. It was mid day for me when she told me what she was doing. 

She lived (thank God), but the baby did not. 

I had asked The Lord to take away my child and he did so. It's a miracle, my child was dead!

The child we dreamed of raising someday which was given to us even by accident was dead.

We both turned to self harm. 

We both fell to substance abuse and cheating/casual sex. 

We hated ourselves and came to hate eachother even more. What did our relationship even mean anymore?

We were failing school, losing weight, hurting eachother emotionally, and hurting ourselves physically. Crazy what two individuals can do to one another with the entire planet between them.

She would tell me before she took her own life. she would show me the pills or the razor. Every time i believed her. She must have killed herself and come back to life a dozen times, it was driving me utterly mad. I still loved her, I didn't want her to die. I still hated her, I did want her to die. 

I was so accustomed to her cries and attempts of suicide and i was so heartbroken by her cheating and self destruction and insults that I almost prayed she'd die too. 

How sick is that? I pray for the death of my would be child and the death of my supposed lover. 

He fulfilled about seventy-five percent of my prayers. 

She's still half dead, sending me videos of her degeneracy and perpetual self destruction.

What would have been a human life with our shared blood is now nothing but a memory of a disaster.

I'm taking another pill for the road :P